This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Carla Romagnano, who is in her 60s and lives in Idaho with her 84-year-old mom. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
In 2022, my mom had a major fall, and prior to that, she was diagnosed with dementia.
She broke her femur from the fall, and she needed 24-hour care. I knew my dad wouldn’t be able to do that for her, so we hired an in-home caregiver for at least a year.
My dad suggested moving to where I live to cut down on caregiving expenses, and because doctors are close by, whether where I live or the next town over. So my dad and I decided we could take care of my mom between us.
My dad died unexpectedly
We put their house on the market. I knew it would sell quickly. Shortly after, my dad died of sepsis, which was just shocking because he was so healthy.
I don’t know how I packed that house, but I would get up at 7 a.m. and go to bed at midnight. I had some help, but not a lot. Got rid of what we could, sold what we could, and then moved stuff here on top of me having moved in a few years ago. So then I had to pile that stuff on top of it.
It’s been overwhelming, but I promised my dad I wouldn’t put her in a home unless it was absolutely necessary, and it’s not yet.
It was a little scary because it got just totally placed in my hands. I miss my dad fiercely. We were going to do this together as a team.
When I come home from work, I sit in the driveway to decompress and go into the house because my second job starts. I take care of the needs of my mom, whatever I need to do, take care of my two border collies, and then figure out what’s going to go on for the rest of the day. It’s two full-time jobs, and I would not wish this on anybody. Caregiving is the hardest job I’ve ever had.
My mom moved in with me in October 2023
I had to get my mom some home care. She’s at risk of falls and uses a walker. She doesn’t have the strength to walk on her own.
She likes consistency, and if the caregiver can’t be there, then we don’t have one that day because it’s too overwhelming for her to try to adjust with somebody new.
I sleep on a couch
I sleep outside the bedroom on the couch because if I had a monitor in my bedroom, I wouldn’t get to her in time.
When someone has dementia, they sometimes want to do what they want. I had to make sure that if that door opened, my two dogs and I would keep her from setting foot outside the bedroom without assistance.
She has a commode in her bedroom so she can use it to go to the bathroom. If she needs help, she can call me. I’d be right outside the door.
For almost three years, I’ve been sleeping on the couch just to make sure my mom is safe at night. Whether she tried to leave one time or five times, I’m not going to chance it by being across the hall or down the hall and not be able to get to her in time.
I love my job and have no plans to retire
I’ve been with a grocery business for 45 years. I was able to transfer when I moved. I’m a bookkeeper, and I also help with hiring.
While I work full time, a caregiver comes to take care of my mom.
Our calendars are full, between anything I need to do for myself and my mom’s doctor’s appointments. In just one year, I drove 800 miles to take care of doctor visits, prescriptions, and all that. The year before, it was 600. You don’t realize that until you actually go over it and see.
My job is my only income. I’ve been able to maintain it and just hope I can do the same if something happens with my mom. There’s no way I can retire right now. I’ve always wanted to make 50 years with my company, and I find that very feasible. Insurance is good, and people don’t realize what a grocery business can do for a family. I’ve been a union member for my entire career.
After 50 years, it really depends on where my life is and what’s going on with my mom. Come tomorrow, you just don’t know what’s going to happen, especially with her illness. It’s really day by day. The time is just flying, honestly.
I go to a caregiving group twice a month
It’s a time to talk about changes in whoever we’re taking care of and ways to handle it, venting and frustrations, and what we’re doing for ourselves. That’s the most important thing: taking care of ourselves in order to take care of somebody else.
My mom and I do a lot with family and friends. She likes getting out of the house.
She had lost a ton of weight before she came here. So when she came here, she hardly had any clothes that fit her. So she likes going to thrift shops.
Even if it’s to come to the grocery store, I will create things to get her out of the house because she just wants to be mobile. She wants to get out and be around people.
She loves Chinese food, and we go out weekly to a restaurant that I’ve loved for years. Then, we go out for ice cream.
It’s time for her to just enjoy getting out and the food she likes. Sometimes a cousin will come, or my aunt will come by and meet up with us there. Anyone who wants to come can, even my friends have joined us.
For Easter, we sometimes have to put together eight to 12 baskets for children of family and friends. We have a lot of fun doing that or wrapping gifts. She’ll help as much as she can. So we try to do projects like that so she does feel useful, but she can’t cook anymore. It’s too dangerous with the stove.
She can’t do laundry because you don’t know what she’s going to do, whether she overloads the washer or floods the house. There are certain things she can’t do, and she feels terrible about it. My mom is still capable of doing some things, not everything.
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