This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Shrutinder Kaur, 35, who is from India and lives in Ontario. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I met my husband online, but not on a dating app.
In early 2014, I searched Facebook for the man my dad was trying to matchmake me with, but accidentally sent a friend request to my now-husband, who happened to have the same name.
We lived on different sides of India but had a lot in common and became pen pals. Our parents met five months after we started talking, and we were married a month later.
Not long after our engagement, my husband’s company sent him on a placement to Arizona, which we expected to last 2½ years. We planned to enjoy our honeymoon period abroad and return to India, but ended up spending nearly four years in the US. Visa uncertainty made me realize the country didn’t feel like home and that we’d rather resettle in Canada.
Being flexible and adaptable helped me uproot my life from India to the US, and the US to Canada, which has become home to me.
I felt like I’d chosen love over my identity
I was 23 when I arrived in the US in March 2015, shortly after my husband. I had a law degree and hoped to do a master’s, but discovered that Arizona didn’t really recognize foreign law degrees, making it difficult for me to become a lawyer. It was a heartbreak that shook up my plans.
I knew there would be work restrictions when I went to the US, but the technicalities became more real after I moved and the joy of marriage settled down. As the dependent on my husband’s H-1B visa, I had a H-4 visa, which doesn’t automatically come with work authorization.
I looked online to see what other H-4 women did and was shocked that it seemed so many had lost their identity to sustain their marriage. They couldn’t even do part-time jobs or run businesses. I connected with some ladies who had hobbies like wedding photography, which they couldn’t charge money for.
I was happy that I moved for love, but felt like I’d chosen love over my identity. I’m ambitious and wanted to be financially independent, but at times felt stupid and wished I’d read more about the H-4 visa conditions or known that Arizona wouldn’t recognize my degree.
I studied, took out a risky loan, and prayed, but the US wasn’t right for us
I could study on the H-4 visa and in 2016 got accepted to Hofstra University in New York for an MBA, a globally recognized program. I moved away from my husband, who always pushed me and was never a roadblock to my progress.
My dad had paid for my law degree, but I wanted to make this work independently and applied for a loan worth close to $100,000 with interest. I was so nervous about signing the loan papers, but my husband encouraged me to go for it. In the end, he helped me repay the loan and supported me during my MBA, letting me live off his credit card.
When I was a student I switched to a visa that allowed me to work, but my husband had immigration issues of his own and so became my dependent. He wasn’t authorized to work, but we had faith we could fight any challenge together. After I graduated in 2018, I got an accounting job, which came with a taxing two-hour commute each way. I would pray and ask God to make things better for me.
During that testing time, we decided the US wasn’t the place for us. We knew people who had been in the US for 20 years and still didn’t have green cards, which provide stability and mental security. We wondered if we’d have to leave everything we’d built in the US and go home. We asked ourselves whether we wanted to earn US dollars and live in a fancy city like New York or have stability and a home we could share with our kids and parents. We felt the US would never provide the latter.
I learned that big risks come with big rewards
In 2018, we applied for permanent residency in Canada. My husband networked and was offered a job before our move.
We sold off some of our things and, in February 2019, drove from Jersey City to Ontario with a car full of our stuff. When we crossed the border, we stopped at the first Tim Horton’s we saw, bought coffee, and cried. Our relationship had been through a testing time, and we’d made it through together.
As a permanent resident in Canada, I didn’t have to deal with any work restrictions. It gave me a sense of freedom that I could do anything, and made the country feel like home. I got a job at the Bank of Montreal within a few months of arriving, and since 2024 have been at a Canadian-headquartered insurance company.
Feeling more financially secure and happy in Canada meant we could finally think about having a family. I gave birth to our son in 2023. I would’ve been a terrible mother in the US because I wasn’t happy there.
My journey has taught me that ambition and love can co-exist, and that the bigger the risk you take, the bigger the return. I met other women on the H-4 visa who’d given up on taking risks and accepted the restrictions placed on them, but I didn’t want to settle.
I’ve paid off my loan, and I’m glad I invested in my education, even though it was a big financial risk. I want others in my position not to lose faith. You’re way too capable to be restricted by a visa.
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