This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with 33-year-old Kyle Elliott, a career coach who lives in California. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I’ve been a full-time career coach for around eight years, and struggling with a micromanaging boss is a common issue clients come to me with.
I used to run resident halls at a university, but in 2017, I left that job to start coaching full-time, going on to complete several coaching certifications. I previously studied health education and public administration in the tech-heavy areas of San Francisco and Seattle, so I’ve gained many clients in tech over the years.
They work at both fast-growing startups and big companies like Google and Meta, in a range of roles from product to engineering and HR. In a typical week, I meet 12 to 15 clients, usually in 50-minute online calls.
I think micromanaging bosses seem common among my clients because many leaders were accustomed to being hands-on with technical problems earlier in their careers, but haven’t since learned to delegate well. With all the layoffs in this industry, leaders may also be worried about losing their jobs, which can lead them to become more controlling.
Venting about your boss isn’t going to change how they act, so when I’m dealing with these situations, I try to help clients focus on what’s within their control, such as improving their own communication and confidence.
Here are my four tips if you think your boss is a micromanager:
1. Learn their triggers
Micromanaging bosses often struggle to relinquish control, and when clients challenge their micromanaging behavior, bosses sometimes act out by yelling or ghosting them. Sometimes, it can even result in the boss doubling down on the problematic behaviours being challenged, making working with them more difficult.
One of my clients realized their CEO would often get upset when employees questioned their decisions. My client couldn’t change their boss’s trigger, but we devised a solution to help them avoid being the source. My client would gather peers and, together, present the CEO with solutions, rather than questions. Tiptoeing gently around the CEO meant their defensiveness wasn’t triggered, and in turn, they weren’t as micromanag-ey.
It’s good to reflect on any themes that make your boss upset. Is it when reports are due, or around an investor meeting? There’s no excuse for bad behavior. But noticing these triggers can help you avoid activating them, making them less likely to respond with micromanaging and controlling behavior.
2. Choose your battles
If your boss is overly involved in your work life and you address every single thing that annoys you, they could feel attacked and get defensive, which could activate their controlling behavior.
One client would spend up to two hours debating with their boss in meetings without accomplishing anything. So consider what your ultimate goal is when you’re giving your boss feedback to conserve your energy and minimize the chance they’ll blow up.
Identify two to three things that, if solved, would make a significant difference to your happiness and focus on bringing about those.
Your boss being strict about you coming in at 8 a.m., not 8.15 a.m. like you would prefer, probably isn’t worth fighting over. However, I would fight for something like taking a weeklong vacation if that’s very important to you, but your boss isn’t big on PTO.
3. Get insider insights
Look to people in your organization who work well with your boss, and try to work out why.
One of my clients struggled with a very micromanage-y boss who was adamant about having things done their way. The client worked on a team of three, and noticed they were usually the only one getting into disagreements with their boss.
I asked them if they worked differently with the boss, and they realized that they would speak up in important meetings, unlike the other two. The two colleagues confirmed this by sharing with my client that they had a more passive approach. The less they spoke in meetings, the less opportunity their boss had to control them.
You might be doing something to upset your boss without realizing it. Checking in with other people can provide new insights. Start with an office bestie or people you trust. However, you don’t want to come across as gossipy, so if you feel safe to talk to your boss directly about your feelings, start there instead.
4. Look inwards
Your boss may not actually be a micromanager. Instead, you might be getting triggered by past experiences, like memories of a past micromanaging boss.
If you’ve found yourself triggered by something your boss said in an email or during a meeting, try asking colleagues how they responded to determine whether everyone finds your boss’s communication unreasonable.
If it’s something only you’re feeling, try to find ways to ground yourself in these moments, for instance by taking a short walk or setting a 5-minute timer before responding to your boss.
Maybe you can bring a solution to your boss. When one client struggled because they felt they were responding to Slack messages from their boss all day, I encouraged them to ask if they could respond at the end of the day. To my clients’ surprise, their boss was happy with this arrangement; they’d just never brought it up.
Sometimes, you can be so focused on the other person that you forget to look inward and determine how to improve things yourself.
It’s often difficult to provide honest feedback to a micromanaging boss, as they don’t tend to create a safe environment for this.
If you’re still having more bad days than good at work after trying direct, honest communication with your boss and the other tips I’ve mentioned, it could be time to walk away from your job.
Do you have a story to share about navigating tricky dynamics with your boss? Contact this reporter at ccheong@businessinsider.com
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