When my boyfriend’s mother and I met a few years ago, I was nervous. Not because I didn’t think we’d like each other, but because we couldn’t communicate. I’m American, and she’s Italian. I didn’t know how we’d be able to make a good impression on each other without speaking.
While I’ve been learning Italian (and she’s picked up some English), she has another language she communicates in: food.
While many people cook for the ones they love, she also pays attention to my preferences, which makes me feel seen and cared for. She’s not just saying “I’m taking care of you,” to me, she’s also saying “I’m interested in who you are.”
My relationship with food was different growing up
Growing up, I hated onions. Every time my mom made pasta, she’d add lots of onions to the jarred tomato sauce. I recall asking her if, just once, she could add the onions in after I had served myself, but there on my dinner plate, was always onions.
This continued when I was older. I always felt like she didn’t know the types of food I liked or ate. For example, I only started liking mushrooms a few years ago, but when I’d visit her, she told me I loved mushrooms. One year, on my birthday, she brought out a chocolate cake and told everyone it was my favorite. It’s not, I like carrot cake.
My boyfriend’s mom started paying attention
My boyfriend’s mom started asking if I liked the dishes she cooked. She wanted to know which ones I enjoyed, what was too spicy, and what flavors I liked best. Looking back, I can tell that she was gathering data and taking notes in her head.
Now, when her son and I come to visit, she has the fridge stocked with foods we both like. She has planted dill and cilantro in her garden (even though she doesn’t eat them). She knows I like my food saltier. She keeps a bottle of balsamic vinegar under the sink even though nobody else uses it, and she keeps my preferred spices and teas in her cupboard for when I visit. If my boyfriend and I miss a holiday with her, she puts some of our favorite foods in the freezer for when we return.
She noticed we had become vegetarians before we told anyone
It all clicked last year when she told my partner and me that she had noticed we had stopped eating meat, and so for an upcoming event, she had requested vegetarian options for us. We hadn’t told anyone about our lifestyle change, but she knew. She had been paying attention.
By contrast, when I became a vegetarian for the first time in my early 20s, I faced a lot of pushback from my parents. My mom stocked the fridge with lots of beef and offered to cook me chicken. When I became a vegetarian a year ago at 31, it was easier because I had more support this time around.
Of course, my boyfriend’s mom has tried her hand at making vegetarian versions of classic Italian dishes, and she keeps the freezer stocked full of beans for when she cooks meat for others at the table.
Food became our shared language
I’d like to think I’m special, but I know my partner’s mother has a mental notebook of what everyone in the family likes to eat (and the rest of my boyfriend’s family shares the same talent).
She saves cookies for people, she knows who likes lemon on their food and who doesn’t, and what each of us will want on our pizza. In the four years I’ve known my boyfriend’s mom, I’ve learned enough Italian to communicate: to thank her, to tell her I’m happy around her, to learn how to bake with her, and to ask her what food she likes.
When words aren’t enough (and when my attempt at Italian sounds very broken), we can eat together.
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