Over the last couple of years, my 12-year-old has started pushing for greater independence. In the past couple of months, he’s pushed harder than ever.
I expected it. He’s entering adolescence, and, developmentally, it’s normal for him to want to explore without his mom always around.
Even though it was expected, it still came as a shock to my system. How have I got a child who is old enough to do anything without me?
With his push for independence, have come a myriad of sit-down conversations about what he wants, what we are comfortable with, and what we deem safe and age-appropriate.
It’s early days, but together with my husband, who very helpfully has always worked with young people, we’ve developed a plan that works for right now — a mix of guidelines, rules, and boundaries.
Walking home from school
For the last two years, our son has walked home from school. This was his first taste of independence. Before this started, I walked the route behind him, watching how he moved on the sidewalks and studying to make sure he safely crossed a couple of busy streets.
He did this for two years without a phone. I knew if he wasn’t home by 3:55 p.m., then I’d go out looking for him.
This 10-minute walk was the springboard to further independence. If we could trust that he was road-safe and responsible, we could give him more independence later on.
Walking to the convenience store
Having built our trust by walking home from school, we then allowed him to walk to the convenience store down the road to either buy us things like milk and bread or to use his own money to get himself a treat.
This gave him yet another taste of freedom. When friends came over, we’d ask their parents for permission to walk to the shop. This gave them something to do together and got them off screens.
Wandering around the park
There is a lovely park a 10 minutes’ walk down the road from our house. He used to walk through this park on his way home from school, so I knew he felt comfortable in it and knew his way around.
He often asks if he and his friends can go cycling, walking, or scootering around the park, and we’ve said a resounding yes.
In a world where technology dominates, I love that he wants to explore outside with his friends.
There are risks, as with any location, but I am willing to let him take them. We mitigate these risks by ensuring he has his phone and by downloading an app that lets us track his location in case of an emergency.
If he does get injured, he knows how to call me and how to ring emergency services.
There are things we can’t do and places he can’t go
While we have allowed him more freedom recently, I limit what he can do based on what I know about a particular area and the risks it presents.
At times, I can sense he feels resentment when his friends are allowed to do things he isn’t. We remind him that all families are different.
Instead of just saying a blanket “no,” we once again reconvene and explain why we, as his parents, have made this decision.
There are plenty of freedoms he’ll be allowed in the coming years, but these will come with his maturity and our increased trust in his ability to make wise, safe decisions.
I feel like we’re walking into a minefield that every other parent of a teenager who has gone before us has already walked in. And yet it feels like we are the first ones. We’re just doing the best we know how, one conversation at a time.
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