When I helped my daughter move into her UCLA dorm last fall, I thought I had prepared for everything. From planned tuition payments to dorm “necessities” and a well-stocked first-aid kit, I had spreadsheets, checklists, dorm shopping lists, and enough big blue moving bags to organize a small apartment.
Fast forward nine months, and as I waited for my daughter to finish packing her freshman dorm room, something surprised me. The things I had spent the most time worrying about weren’t the things that mattered most.
A few days later, we began the 1,000-mile drive home to Washington in a packed SUV, with nearly half of her belongings tucked away in a Los Angeles storage unit until sophomore year.
Somewhere along the drive, I found myself thinking about everything those nine months had meant to both of us, and wondering how one college freshman had accumulated so much stuff. Then I realized the extra stuff wasn’t clutter. It was evidence of a life well lived.
If you’re getting ready to send your child to college for the first time, here’s what I wish someone had told me.
First, you’ll probably buy too much
Like many parents, I wanted my daughter to have everything she could need before I drove away, so I wouldn’t worry. By move-out, some of those purchases were still unused.
One item never even came out of the box: the Woozoo fan I bought before realizing her dorm room had air conditioning. This was the item Facebook told me was a must-have.
If I could do it again, I’d buy less before moving in and wait until she actually needed something. Amazon delivers to college campuses surprisingly fast, and throughout the year, we shipped everything from class supplies and clothes to medicine, energy drinks, and even a floor lamp for a theater project.
I had budgeted for move-in, but not for freshman year
The expenses that mattered most weren’t the storage bins or organizers.
They were the Starbucks gift cards during hard weeks, the occasional DoorDash order after long rehearsals, and the handwritten notes she asked me to send after telling me, “Mom, please send mail.”
Those small gestures reminded her that home was never very far away, even from 1,000 miles away.
Trust that your child is more capable than you think
Before college, I felt responsible for solving every problem. During freshman year, I discovered that sometimes my job wasn’t to fix anything. It was simply to listen.
Our daughter called almost every day, sometimes several times a day, during particularly stressful weeks. I learned that what she said mattered less than how she sounded. Sometimes she wasn’t looking for advice. She simply needed a safe place to vent before figuring things out herself.
She navigated difficult classes, a challenging roommate situation, theater productions, marching band, and friendships that would shape her college experience. Every challenge she handled without me made her more confident.
It wasn’t always easy to watch. But it was exactly what she needed.
Finally, understand that college changes parents, too
I expected my daughter to grow during freshman year. I didn’t expect how much I would change, too. Somewhere between move-in and move-out, my role shifted.
I stopped trying to manage every detail of her life and became someone she called for perspective instead of direction. Watching her become more independent didn’t make us less close. It simply changed the way we were close.
As we loaded the final blue bags into the SUV, I realized I wasn’t bringing home the same young woman I had dropped off nine months earlier. She was more confident, more resilient, and more sure of herself. And somewhere along the way, I had changed, too.
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