Recently, due to day care closures, I spent nine hours at home with the kids (without setting foot outside) while my husband went to work. In that time, I changed countless poopy diapers, served infinite snacks, ran up and down the stairs trying to get the kids to nap, and cleaned up the same messes over and over again with our three kids, ages 3 and under.
Meanwhile, my husband spent his day at work trying to catch up, working straight through lunch so he could make it back home ASAP to help me with the evening routine.
Between work and caring for our young children, my husband and I don’t have much time to connect.
We don’t have energy for our relationship
Most days, neither my husband nor I has the energy to connect after getting the kids fed, bathed, and in bed. Our conversations immediately turn to the logistics of the next day: who’s going to drop the kids off at day care, are the bags packed, does someone need to go to the grocery store, should we call a handyman about the leaky faucet?
As the to-dos add up, so does the temptation to keep score. We settle into a competitive mindset where we constantly evaluate who’s doing more — slowly building resentment and discontent. Remembering that we’re both on the same team with the same goal of caring for our family can feel far-fetched.
It’s no wonder, then, why marriage satisfaction rates decline after children, with increased dissatisfaction among parents with more children.
Former first lady Michelle Obama spoke of this trend when she described her relationship with Barack Obama in the early years of their children’s lives, saying she “couldn’t stand” her husband for about 10 years and noting that “marriage is never 50/50.”
We thank each other as much as possible
The one practice that has helped my husband and me weather this chaotic season is saying “thank you” to each other as often as possible.
Thank you for doing those dishes.
Thank you for taking out the trash.
Thank you for planning that meal.
Thank you for prepping the bottles.
Thanks for handling the bedtime routine.
Thanks for packing the day care bags.
Thanks for changing that diaper.
Do I really need to thank my husband for taking out the trash? At first, it may sound trivial. Is it really necessary to thank my spouse for doing the mundane chores that keep our family running? Isn’t the “thank you” understood?
Expressing gratitude for specific tasks challenges us to take note of the other person’s contributions, which are often overlooked. It’s easy to forget that the sink was once full of dishes when it’s suddenly clean again (and already being refilled with more dirty dishes).
When my husband thanks me for grocery shopping and meal planning, it lets me know he notices, values, and respects my contributions to our household. Even though the work seems commonplace, it still requires time and energy on my part. When he recognizes my efforts, he’s also saying, “I see you, and I know how hard you’re working.” It’s a small gesture that goes a long way in making me feel loved and appreciated. It also reaffirms that we’re in this thing together.
Similarly, when I thank my husband for emptying the smelly diaper pails, managing toddler bathtime, and organizing our tax documents, I’m also saying “Thank you for shouldering this part of the load to make things lighter for me.”
The littlest gestures can have the largest impact
These small moments of connection have been our cozy refuge amid life’s recurring blizzards.
As nature reveals, some seasons are simply about survival. We let go of everything extraneous (like lavish date nights and big vacations), hunker down and endure with the bare necessities — trusting in brighter days ahead.
No season lasts forever. Even the coldest winters eventually yield to spring. A few years of difficult times and disconnection don’t necessarily mean a bad marriage or that the relationship is doomed. Withstanding the tough times together can strengthen bonds, as long as you commit to small practices — like saying thank you — to keep you tethered to each other.
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