Caring for aging parents or siblings is oftentimes stressful. It can also break apart solid relationships. My husband and I understand this, as caring for his sister nearly tore us apart.
When my sister-in-law fell and broke her hip, we called her almost daily to check on her since she lives alone. At first, she seemed to be getting stronger and constantly talked about returning home to her Shih Tzu, her baby.
Because we lived in different states, caring for her became doubly difficult. My husband is her only sibling. Her injury caused havoc not only in her life, but ours as well.
We didn’t have enough money for 24-hour home care
We never knew how long our trips to see her would last. We took her to doctor appointments, I walked the dog, and kept house. I prepared meals, and neighbors visited. But eventually, we had to hire 24-hour nursing care. We thought it would only be for a month or two.
The dementia came upon my sister-in-law slowly. Soon her confusion became a constant companion. We had to become the decision makers. But each time my husband and I discussed what to do for his sister, it became an argument, leaving us just as broken as his sister.
Home nursing care ate up my sister-in-law’s savings. It was up to us to find affordable help for her. Our patience with the situation and each other became nonexistent. We were in over our heads and knew it.
We were drowning in paperwork
There was so much paperwork: Bills. Insurance forms. Understanding her finances. We found my sister-in-law’s Living Will. Luckily, she had a Power of Attorney drawn up with my husband as POA. To activate it, we took her and the POA to the bank, where it was signed and notarized. My husband holds the original, and copies went to the bank, doctors, and any financial institutions my sister-in-law had accounts with.
Our own home sat empty for a month and a half as we struggled to help her. We couldn’t stay forever; we needed to return home to our family.
Then we found she had long-term healthcare insurance for an assisted living facility. After firing the 24-hour care nurses, we searched for a facility to care for my sister-in-law. We wanted her to be near her friends. We wanted her to feel content and still have her comfort dog.
We needed paid help for long-term care
Wanting to understand the steps needed to help my sister-in-law legally, we turned to professionals. This was our first experience with dementia and becoming a power of attorney.
We turned to nursing home practitioners, social workers, and those who care for my husband’s sister. Together, we found a place for her. We wanted an all-inclusive home without extra charges for meals, snacks, rehabilitation services, or housekeeping.
Then, my sister-in-law started feeding the dog table scraps and not eating much herself. She didn’t walk the dog or clean up after it. The nursing home doctors felt my husband’s sister couldn’t live independently. They determined she should move into memory care, without her dog. It was a crushing blow for all of us.
We winterized her home by turning off the water and cable, and had the mail and bills forwarded to our home for payment. We continued with home maintenance until we can get back to sell the home and her possessions to help pay for her care.
We are still learning about caring for someone in an assisted living home. And we need to be ready for it — without all the bickering.
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