When my husband and I bought our house in 2019, the real-estate agent knew the house two doors down from us would eventually be up for sale.
My husband and I joked that his parents would buy it when it was.
Two years later, it was listed — and they did (after asking permission from my husband and me, who greenlit their purchase before they even made an offer).
I am fully aware I wouldn’t have to look hard to find someone saying you couldn’t pay them enough to live next to their in-laws, but I never felt that way and have a good relationship with mine.
My husband and I lived with his parents for 15 months after I graduated from college, and that arrangement gave me no reason to think living two doors down would do more harm than good.
Compared to the 20 feet apart we used to sleep, 200 yards seemed massive. Plus, we knew that it’d be nice to live near family when we eventually had kids of our own.
For the past five years, living in such close proximity has certainly had perks — but it’s come with some unique challenges, too.
There are many benefits to having family so close by
My in-laws have devoted hundreds of hours to the care of our home in the form of yardwork (including cutting down entire trees) and house projects. Honestly, they have paid for a lot, too.
We are beyond appreciative for all of the help we get from them, often without having to ask.
They’ve also helped us avoid extra expenses by caring for our pets when we’re away. In the last five years, this has probably saved my husband and me thousands of dollars.
When we’re in a tough spot, it’s also been great to be able to rely on our in-laws for help with our two children.
Both my husband and I work full-time in corporate jobs, and our kids attend a local day care five days a week. With the staggering tuition comes the inevitable fevers lasting over 24 hours, snotty noses, and stomach viruses out of nowhere.
When one of our kids has to skip day care, we can usually work from home and switch off as needed. There have been a handful of times when we have had in-person meetings or one of us is traveling while a child is home sick, though.
In these instances, being able to get a couple of hours of help from my in-laws in the middle of the workday is crucial to help us meet our deadlines and maintain our sanity.
If either my husband or I is out of town, a grandparent is usually available and more than happy to offer an extra set of hands at bedtime, too.
Between a 5-year-old and a 2½-year-old with different bedtimes, maybe a sleep regression or two, just having someone to sit downstairs to entertain the older one is crucial to getting the little one to sleep without 15 interruptions and an outburst.
Our jobs are demanding, our work schedules can get hectic, and we both live 50 minutes from the office. I don’t know how any couple handles having kids and two full-time jobs without family nearby.
My husband and I would not be able to do what we do without the help of his parents.
Plus, my kids are beyond lucky to be able to have such a good relationship with their grandparents. They have their own playroom in their house and can regularly have dinner with them.
For them, I would imagine this setup feels an awful lot like living next door to a candy store.
Still, living next door to family comes with undeniable challenges
When my in-laws bought the house next door, we established a verbal agreement among the four of us, which we jokingly refer to as “The Accords.”
The rules are light and mostly for show, but they do help maintain a foundation of healthy boundaries. For example, neither of us can just walk into the other’s house. At minimum, you have to knock.
Also in “The Accords” is the understanding that either of us can sell our home and move at any time, no permission required from the other party.
The intent of The Accords is to respect one another.
Some decisions warrant a conversation as an extension of that respect, like me writing this piece, which directly involves and affects them. My husband, in-laws, and I spoke about it in advance, since it’s about our relationship. I shared my (very edited) draft with them, too.
Other decisions, like me getting a leg-sleeve tattoo, do not warrant input from extended family, whether they’re neighbors or not.
My husband and I have also had to work hard to set boundaries for our children, since they love their grandparents and want to be with them every single day.
We have had five-minute walks end in an hourlong scream-fest because we said we weren’t visiting the grandparents that evening.
We’ve also had to explain to our kids that they can’t walk down the street without asking, even if their grandparents are outside or their cars are in the driveway.
Ultimately, finding autonomy and setting boundaries has been important for all of us
My husband and I didn’t have much practice establishing our own autonomy before his parents moved in next door. So, finding our rhythm as our own family was a much bigger adjustment than either of us had anticipated.
I’ve already had to teach my young kids about the limits of property lines and front doors, and the lack of mental capacity (or obligation) on mom’s part to manage more schedules than my own family’s.
I also had to set a boundary for myself and my kids that I am not going to text or call my in-laws every day to ask if they are home, want to come over, or if the children can go over and play.
It’s not my responsibility to track when they will be home or not, as they have their own lives. I have to have faith in my in-laws that, when they are available to see the kids, they will reach out.
Still, I imagine not many children have their grandparents just 150 steps from their home — and my kids don’t know life any other way.
As hard as it can be to set boundaries, it’s something we’ve had to learn to do so we can be independent adults and trust our ability to be the best parents for our kids.
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