“I don’t know how you do it.” As a working mom of five kids under age 11, this is something I might hear a few times per week. My answer is always simple, and has nothing to do with my parenting skills, “Grandma lives down the street,” I admit.
It’s the only parenting hack I recommend to anybody who asks. If another parent has the option to move next to a relative who wants to help, who is in super close proximity, or even a friend or neighbor who acts like an aunt, I tell them my story and about how much it’s affected my kids’ upbringing in such a positive way.
It started when my husband and I had just three kids, and we were looking for a bigger house. We narrowed down our radius to within a mile of my mom’s house on purpose; we wanted to be near her.
We ended up buying a house in the same neighborhood, where we knew our kids would one day be able to bike over after school for a snack and to decompress. What I didn’t anticipate was how the benefits went much beyond supporting my kids and actually made parenting easier on my husband and me.
This is the only real hack for surviving the sandwich years
If you’ve ever been waiting on a pediatrician’s message while teaching your senior parent how to use their email inbox, you are officially in the sandwich generation with a bunch of other stressed-out parents and me.
I’m convinced the only real thing that makes this phase of life any easier is geography, helping you code-switch roles easily. If there’s only a mile between helping your kids with homework and dropping something off for your parent, it’s easier to help everyone.
It feels like less of a task to help your own parents when you just need to stop by on the way to a sports practice for kids. There’s less emotional drain from either generation, and I’m more able to maintain balance as I bounce between my two roles.
Getting grandparent help is less of a burden
I truly hate asking for help, such as when kids have three different practices at three different places at the same time. But, sometimes it’s necessary.
Having a grandparent in the same neighborhood makes it much easier to grab a ride. “Hey, Mom, can you drop a kid off at the field on your way to dinner with your friend?” “Hey, Mom, can you pick up a kid at their practice when you leave your swim class?” I feel way less guilty, and like it’s less of a burden, when she’s already driving to the same neighborhood anyway.
It’s a safe escape for the kids —far enough from home, close enough for comfort
People talk about the need for a third space. For adults, it might be a favorite coffee shop or gym. For my kids, it’s my mom’s house.
The freedom they’ve worked up to, to be able to ride a bike to her house on their own, gives them a perfect combination of an emotional release and reset — the exercise to ride there, the fresh air to get out of their own chaotic house, and someone on the other end who cares deeply about their emotional status and wants to give all their attention to them. Of course, having all the good snacks and letting them sneak a soda helps, too.
As a young parent, I thought this arrangement would just be fun for them. As my kids move into their teen years, I see how that third space plays a crucial role in helping them regulate, get support from someone who isn’t their (annoying) parents, and get a dopamine hit from some movement outside on the way.
Planning for the future
As my mom ages, I plan to send my kids over more often. They’ll become part of the solution to help her, and they’ll get additional time to continue building their relationships with her.
I believe the distance will remain an invaluable asset to their bond, helping them create lasting memories. And if nothing else, when a kid gets grouchy, I can always send them on a fake errand for a “cup of sugar” to get some air and a pep talk from grandma.
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