If I’m being honest, I would consider myself a bit of a scaredy-cat. I fear hanging my foot over the side of the bed, drinking water too quickly only for it to end up in my lungs, and, more notably, a fear of commitment.
I found myself bowing out of relationships when disagreements began to mount. I hadn’t cracked the code on what to do when there were rough patches with a partner. To me, a successful relationship means no hiccups whatsoever.
But all that changed when I planned and went on my first vacation with my partner to Europe.
My partner took care of all the planning
Our trip took place across Paris, Marseilles, Madrid, and Seville. I had never been to Europe and wanted to fulfill my “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” and “The Cheetah Girls 2” fantasy. Turns out that bringing that dream to fruition requires an itinerary — even though I don’t remember my girl Lizzie spending hours on Tripadvisor.
While my research consisted of watching TikToks, my partner was inadvertently delegated the role of a travel agent. Imbalance bubbled beneath the surface like a dormant volcano.
The trip started off smoothly. I thought that speaking Spanish fluently would lend itself to speaking and understanding French. It doesn’t. My boyfriend dared me to order a pack of cigarettes by myself. I could only muster a single “bonjour” before I crumbled and leaned on him for support. Little did I know this would become a recurring theme.
One night, we sat on a hill in the Parc de Buttes Chaumont. As he tried to pull my European wish list out of me, he got teary-eyed out of frustration. He wanted to go to museums; I groaned. He wanted to walk around; I groaned even louder. I didn’t share what I wanted to do. It’s not that I didn’t know. I was just petrified. What if he didn’t like my ideas? What if he thought all my suggestions were a waste of time? It was a lot easier to complain.
He said that it felt like I didn’t want to be there. That broke me. Of course, I wanted to be there, but I had no clue how to say or show it. Disagreements felt like dealbreakers, so I apologized and committed to having a better attitude. Easier said than done.
Everything came to a head in Madrid
After a few mishaps in Marseilles, we headed to Madrid. The city is magical, and I’m officially naming my first child Tapas.
On our penultimate night, we went to a concert in a venue that was Berghain meets artisanal coffee shop. We had no idea what to do afterward. My boyfriend wanted to go explore the city. I wanted to go to a sex club. Like clockwork, he explained his desires; I groaned. The better attitude I had promised flew out the window.
The volcano erupted, and it felt like two sticks of dynamite detonating simultaneously. A sick and twisted part of me loved our explosive argument.
“Finally,” I told myself. “Now I can escape. I can run off cinematically with tears running down my face and scream that I wish I never came on this trip.”
This all happened in front of a store called WOW. How ironic.
It felt like our relationship was on the line. As the magma settled, I saw what was in front of me: a once-in-a-lifetime trip with a once-in-a-lifetime guy. All he was asking was for me to take part in this experience. I could lean on him to order me a coffee in French, but could he lean on me?
We are learning to communicate and compromise
The next morning, we talked. I told him that this was the first relationship in which I’d ever gone on this type of vacation or felt like I’d had this much agency. He held my hand and told me that we’re building a life together and that it takes work. I listened.
We committed to going to couples therapy; we took a collaborative approach to planning the rest of the trip, and we came up with ways for us to do better on our next vacation.
We ended the trip in Seville for my birthday. Even though it was a day for me, I wanted it to be a day for us.
I learned that, yes, couples fight. Yes, couples disagree. That does not mean that your partner does not like you, that your partner does not appreciate you, or that your relationship is failing. It represents two independent people with their own needs and boundaries learning how to build a life together, compromise, and show up for one another.
Commitment doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s a practice, and progress is better than perfection.
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