When my mom retired, she owned her home and had “enough” saved in her savings account. She had planned the way most people do: based on her ideal aging scenario, which was also the least expensive one.
She had hoped to continue living alone in her condo into her elder years, without much thought to how she would source and pay for help if and when she needed it.
My mother definitely hadn’t planned for the sudden illness and hospitalization that hit a few years into retirement, or the dementia diagnosis that followed. She never imagined needing to go from living independently to assisted living and then nursing care — in less than a decade.
I had to jump into action, unprepared
I was caught off guard, particularly at a time when my mom had seemed healthy. When she suddenly ended up in the hospital, I had to sort through a tangled mess of finances that she had accumulated. Her home was also in a state of disarray. It was clearly no longer safe for her to live alone.
My husband and I were living a couple of hours away, busy with our toddler and a new baby. Since my mom was single, with no other family members nearby except my brother with Down Syndrome, there was simply no one who could help. I felt like a deer in headlights, alone with no idea where to start, and with the caregiving weight of small children and now aging and disabled adults on my shoulders.
I spent hours on research and tours; I did my best to find my mother an assisted living facility closer to me that seemed to offer what we needed at a price point that she could afford. However, it was a decision made quickly under stress, and I had no existing knowledge of what questions to ask or what to look for.
Her money ran out quickly
The facility was much more expensive than what we were initially quoted. My uncle flew across the country to help clear out and sell my mother’s condo so that she would have enough funds for her new living arrangement. But there always seemed to be add-on expenses, and frequent increases to what were deemed necessary medical or support interventions.
I hadn’t known to ask when we moved her in if the facility would take Medicaid if and when she needed it. The answer I learned was no, it would not.
In addition to her savings dwindling, staff began to tell me that my mother would need a higher level of care. Despite initially being assured that she could stay and receive care at that facility through end-of-life, I learned that this assumed a minimum level of physical and cognitive self-sufficiency.
I again had to research elder care, this time for one that would provide a higher level of care and accept Medicaid. I got her on the waiting list for a quality skilled nursing facility that accepted Medicaid, and a year later, they thankfully had a place for her. Just a few months after moving in, her funds were depleted, and she went on Medicaid.
My experience illustrates the importance of eldercare planning — before it is needed
What I’ve learned from my experience is how incredibly important it is to have open conversations with loved ones about their wishes for aging, including plans for potentially more expensive and higher care needs in old age.
It is crucial to have preferred and alternative living care options documented, financial plans in place, a power of attorney designated, and health wishes clearly communicated.
I’m thankful that my mom and my brother are both covered by Medicaid and cared for in quality facilities. However, I wish my mother had been more open to sharing her wishes, health, and financial situation with me sooner, so that I wasn’t forced to make decisions in crisis mode.
While most of us don’t want to think about getting old and dying, avoiding these conversations while we are well means a greater burden on loved ones, and possibly a lower quality of life toward the end.
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