This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Michaeleen Doucleff, the author of “Hunt, Gather, Parent” and “Dopamine Kids,” released on March 3. This story has been edited for length and clarity.
Around the time my daughter, Rosy, was 4, we went to the beach. It was a really beautiful, sunny day, and I realized I couldn’t enjoy it. She was having a great time building a sandcastle; I was sitting there checking my email, texts, and social media.
I felt this little hum of anxiety. Was she going to grow up without me being able to enjoy our lives together?
I started examining my own relationship to dopamine, the brain systems involved in reward and motivation, whether it is related to screens or ultra-processed foods. I realized that for me, these products were reclaiming the pleasure in our lives.
My life started to change when I set limits on screen time and processed snacks, swapping them for other activities and whole foods.
Then I wanted to help Rosy, who was 8 at the time.
I learned that a lot of the advice out there didn’t work for me because it was based on research from 20 to 40 years ago. I kept trying things that I would read in parenting books, like “let children be bored.” If I told Rosy to go to her room and play without screens, I’d just create a struggle. She’d crave screen time even more.
The truth is, parents are up against a lot. Apps, games, and ultra-processed foods are designed to keep us coming back. Research suggests that if parents don’t have a clear mission for their families, it’s much harder to keep impulses under control.
Luckily, research also suggests ways to change your child’s relationship with screens. Here’s how I got my daughter to swap them for activities that she enjoys.
I made a ‘family dream list’ to guide us
The first step is about taking back the wheel. That came with deciding what I wanted for my family. What was my dream?
Exploration is a fundamental need for my child, and I didn’t want her to fulfill it with video games and social media. Instead, I wanted Rosy to enjoy being outside with her friends and going on adventures.
So one day, I said, “I’m going to teach you to do something you’ve been dying to do,” which was riding a bike by herself to the market. We spent a few nights biking around everywhere until she felt comfortable on her own. Instead of watching YouTube videos of cartoon characters biking around, she could now do it herself.
Now that she’s 10, biking is one of Rosy’s favorite activities. She bikes to piano lessons and soccer practice. Sometimes, on Saturdays, she’ll spend six hours biking with her friends, then come home exhausted and happy.
Leaning into her natural motivation
Dopamine plays a key role in motivation; it makes us seek out things that feel rewarding. To compete with screens, it helps to ride the motivational wave.
Once, we were in the cookie aisle of the grocery store. Rosy started begging for cookies because foods like that light up the brain’s reward system. Instead of saying no to the cookies, I wanted to cultivate her desire to create a new habit.
I said, “OK, you can have the cookies, but you’re going to bake the cookies all by yourself.” I’d help her get started, and she learned how to use the mixer and oven.
When she finished baking the cookies, she ate only one or two. She wanted to save the rest because they were so precious to her. To this day, she’s an amazing baker. A couple of months ago, she made a whole lasagna for dinner.
It turned out to be a great swap we made, both for cutting down on store-bought snacks and on screen time.
Micro-celebrations kept her going
The internet uses micro-celebrations: The little “ding” when you send a message, the hearts, the emojis. They seem very simple, and like they’re not doing anything, but they’re triggering a tiny bit of pleasure in our brains. It’s the superglue that keeps us attached.
As a parent, I wanted to give Rosy similar micro-celebrations. When Rosy and I were first starting to bike around the neighborhood, every now and then I’d say, “Wow, this is really fun. I love this. This feels so good.” It’s just about sprinkling in a little bit of excitement.
Another really powerful micro-celebration parents can use is having the kid present what they made to you, whether it’s a drawing or a craft. It creates an emotional payoff for the child, making them feel like they’ve done something important. It’ll make them want to keep doing it more and more.
I set a price for screen time
Products like TVs and tablets are what I call “dopamine magnets”; they’re incredibly hard to resist. We can’t rely on willpower alone. Instead, we need very clear, simple rules that never change.
Almost every Saturday afternoon, Rosy would ask to watch a movie. Finally, I agreed, but with one new rule: She had to write a two-page summary of the last movie she watched, and present it to me.
At first, I was blown away. She ran to go do it — she was really willing to work to get this movie. Still, after a few times, she stopped asking for Saturday movies. She decided they weren’t worth the price.
By then, we had other activities to replace the movie. On top of riding her bike, she was making a lot of crafts — embroidering, crocheting, and paper quilling.
Creating screen-free environments
What many people don’t realize is that the pull happens before you use the device. Usually, there’s some cue in your environment, such as the sight of your phone or the places you typically use it.
For example, a child might associate getting into the car with playing games on a tablet. Instead, you can change that to another activity. We bought a CD player for Rosy so she could listen to audiobooks on drives. It forces her to wait and listen to the book again, instead of us immediately buying a new one.
Without changing cues, parents may have to fight to pull their kids off screens or to police what they eat.
By using these behavioral principles, you can set up routines that help kids rely less on willpower alone. Over time, those pathways stick.
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