“When’s my turn for special time, mama?” The question I love to hear most in the world from my three sons is asking when they can go out for a walk or cake and coffee with me.
It’s become a tradition, almost a haphazard one, but I’d never let it slip away. These times one-on-one with each of my children, which they have coined as “special time,” have been and I hope will continue to be one of the ways I connect with each of them as they age.
It started small
It started soon after my oldest was 3. His younger brother had just turned 1 and needed my constant care and attention to keep him from the destruction of the toddler era. I knew that the oldest was getting less of me than ever before, frequently asking for his dad rather than me.
I remember once he said he’d rather play with “dada” than me, and I was crushed.
Perhaps it was a slightly dramatic response to the whims of a 3-year-old and months of unsettled sleep with a newborn and toddler, but it cemented in my mind that I needed to spend time just with him. I wanted him to have my full, undivided attention, and I wanted to have his.
And so, I started finding an hour out consistently — perhaps once a month, although this wasn’t always the case — to just be with him. I recall that walking around a local lake was our most frequent activity.
When he started part-time state education at 4, I used the hours he was in school to have “special time” with his little brother, too — walks around the park, feeding the ducks.
The goal was to get outside the house
With both of the boys, the aim was always to get out of the house. In the house, I was too distracted by all that needed to be done, unable to fully concentrate on whoever’s special time it was.
We didn’t have spare income at this point, so nearly all our activities were free and very simple.
When my third child came along, his special times were different. I was exhausted and just wanted to sit with him, coloring. I’d take him to a local coffee shop that sold one-dollar mini hot chocolates for kids, and he thought he was having the best treat.
The point was never extraordinary moments they’d remember forever, but consistent windows to connect as mother and son.
I still take time to connect with them now that they are older
Over the years, I’m increasingly grateful I decided on a whim to make special times a tradition. These quick touch-base outings have been beneficial for each of them.
I have often felt guilty about how much I rely on these special times to connect, wishing I were more present in each moment through each day. But that’s not my reality as a working mom, who also maintains a home, hobbies, and other relationships.
Although I don’t think the relationships with our kids end when they hit 18, I’m fully aware that there are only a select number of years they are under the roof of their parents.
They will get older (and it’s already happening fast). They will move out. And I’m counting on these special times being the foundation for my forever relationships with them. That they will always remember coffee with mom, and know that anytime they want it, I’ll be ready to pay for a special time.
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