I always felt like I disappointed my mother. Her lifelong wish was to become a grandmother, but having children was never high on my priority list.
When she died unexpectedly, I was 35 and struggling financially and mentally.
Her death threw my life into even more chaos — and not being a mother helped me survive it.
As I approach 40, I get asked, “Why don’t you just have a baby?” more and more often.
Although well-meaning, the question reduces a complex, private decision to small talk — as though my ambitions, finances, mental health, and grief matter less than my reproductive function.
What I witnessed growing up shaped my decision not to have children
Growing up, I watched my mother work six days a week running her esthetician business while doing all of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare at home. She was so busy being a working wife and mother to two kids that she put off many of her dreams until retirement.
She loved her work and continued tinting eyelashes and applying gel nails for her clients until the pandemic forced her to retire at 68. The prospect of enjoying her retirement kept her going through the UK’s lockdowns — but she died just a few months after restrictions were lifted.
Watching her sacrifice so much time — only to run out of it — shaped how I think about my own life.
Career and financial instability made survival my priority
At 32, I left a stable career in humanitarian aid to pursue my creative ambitions. It didn’t go well at first, but by my mid-30s, I felt like I was finally getting somewhere with my fledgling freelance writing business.
My partner was also out of work at the time, which only intensified the pressure. When we went shopping at our local market, we bought discounted bags of vegetables, and I crossed my fingers that my card payment would go through.
Every day, I struggled with the shame and sometimes-crippling anxiety and depression brought on by prolonged financial hardship.
At a time when many of our friends were having babies, we were simply trying to stay afloat. And since my partner (who’s 17 years my senior) has never wanted children, they weren’t in our plans.
Grief put my life on hold for five years
Then, in October 2021, my world fell apart. My mother and I were close, and I was unprepared for the heartbreak of losing her so suddenly — especially as the pandemic had kept us apart for so long.
Grief consumed me, making it difficult to work, and I mostly lived off the little savings I had scraped together.
Within a year, I landed a remote role at a marketing agency that gave me the stability I needed to start rebuilding my life. When I was made redundant at the end of 2024, not having a child to support gave me time to think about what to do next without additional pressure.
Now, nearly five years after my mother died, I finally have the strength to pursue the dreams I started chasing years ago.
I’m building a life that feels right for me
Last year, my nephew was born — the grandchild my mother never got to meet.
I can’t deny that watching my brother become a father made me wonder what parenthood might be like. But while I adore my nephew, loving him doesn’t make me yearn for the upheaval motherhood would bring. And without my mom to share in that chapter of life, I simply don’t feel the pull.
As I enter my 40s, I don’t feel like I’m “missing out”. Being child-free helped me survive the darkest time of my life — and gave me the chance to rebuild on my own terms.
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