I’m the organizer in my friend group. But I’m not by nature an organizer.
I love to separate the laundry into piles and then shove the clothes, unfolded, into drawers. I’m also not a glamorous, girl boss who makes everyone wear coordinated outfits. And I don’t always want to reach out.
Like anyone, I can feel vulnerable and exposed. On some level, I’m worried that the group will RSVP explaining that they would never hang out with me because of my squinty right eye and deep love of puns.
But, I do it anyway.
Organizing does not come naturally to me
In every place I’ve ever lived, and there have been many, I’ve been the one who makes plans, sends out that invitation, and brings friends together. Somehow, instinctively, I’ve known I need female friends, and to have them, someone has to organize.
In movies and television shows, friends are secondary to the big goal: finding romantic love. When female friends do take center stage, like in the Netflix show “Sweet Magnolias” (about three absurdly well-dressed friends, who talk sweetly over gourmet snacks), sanitized, unrealistic representations are another problem, especially since many of us know friendship can be messy. It’s too much pressure.
The only alternative is a big swing in the other direction. Women are supposedly competition, and the media delights in stories of related feuding or cracks in high-profile friend groups, including the Spice Girls, Taylor Swift’s “squad”, and, more recently, the Ashley Tisdale mom group. In shows like “Gossip Girl,” with the cut-throat Blair Waldorf, or the movie “Mean Girls,” with the ultimate queen bee, Regina George, the organizers appear to be the rotten core, the cancer that spreads via text or a three-way calling attack.
Female friendship is good for us
The messaging confuses the facts. Female friendship is powerful and, in my life, most often positive. Women provide each other information, inspiration, and safety. Supported by friends, women in the past have been able to make their mark in art, politics, and everyday life. Eleanor Roosevelt, for one, became more self-confident and a better leader thanks to friendships with smart women.
There are health benefits, too: scientists describe friendship as an antidote to depression, with the power to lower blood pressure and overall stress. One study suggests that female friendship can also slow down the aging process and help us live longer.
Organizing a friend meetup doesn’t need to be complicated
If someone doesn’t reach out, we wouldn’t see friends and experience these benefits, especially given everybody’s busy schedules. But organizing doesn’t have to be hard. In my experience, it also doesn’t require matching shirts, power plays, or making elaborate plans.
My go-to move is a simple coffee meet-up for whoever can make it. It’s at the same time and place each week. At this point, I just send a text reminder and show up. No big-time commitment. No big expense.
I often bring work or a book, just in case there are last-minute conflicts. If that happens, there’s no bad feelings. I’m happy to have splurged on a sugary latte while getting some work done.
In the past, I’ve tried organizing dinner meet-ups, but there were always too many conflicts — both in scheduling and dietary needs. I didn’t enjoy the negotiations before or after the bill came. For me, a simpler plan gets the job done without the risk of a headache or an allergic reaction to shellfish.
I’m learning from my mom’s example, but doing it my own way
My mother has a similar standing meet-up with her friends, all of whom are retired. They get together weekly in my mom’s garden, where they pick flowers, then deliver bouquets to a memory care facility and a women’s shelter.
While my mom’s inspired group hangout is more than my group can manage at this point, we’re already brainstorming about the next phase. With kids who will soon be off to college, we’re looking forward to a future walking group or game night. No one seemed interested in my idea of forming an a cappella glee club.
Obviously, we all come to coffee as we are. I try to shower. But there’s no obligation. And there’s certainly no evidence of our gatherings on social media.
Some people might have a higher tolerance for time-consuming planning. Maybe they enjoy it. Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be stylish “mean girls” either. That cultural trope does a disservice to women, whether we gravitate towards event coordination or not.
The reality is: Anyone can be the friend group organizer, and it doesn’t have to fulfill stereotypes or be complicated. In the end, the effort, any effort, is worth it.
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