This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Maria Diaz Valdez, a 29-year-old based in Spain. It’s been edited for length and clarity.
I feel like a relationship with a founder is a relationship on steroids because it’s so intense in the trust and patience it requires. I’ve had to be committed to his journey, but I’m not in charge of it, and that’s very scary.
My partner, Emil, and I met as roommates in a shared household in Norway, and we’ve been together for four years. I was lucky enough to get to know him so well as a friend before we started dating because we had all sorts of honest conversations about our goals without trying to impress each other. That level of honesty and communication has been the foundation of everything we’ve built in our relationship.
It’s been strange to take a backseat role to build my career to help him build his, and there are times we feel more like business partners than life partners, but I’m in this for the long haul. I trust this journey, and I know he’ll support me the same way as I build my own entrepreneurial journey.
We created a contract toward the start of our relationship
Emil didn’t start his current entrepreneurial journey until right before we started dating, so I’ve kind of been through everything with him. I was even his first client. I was building a jewelry brand at the time and hired him to help me develop my website.
At the start of our relationship, we had a lot of conversations about his vision for the company, my role in it, and whether he saw this future with me. Our discussions made me feel confident that he’d actually pursue his goals, but I still had to put a lot of trust in him. I lent him money those first couple of months, which was scary, but I believed in him.
We wrote a contract that tracked the money I was sending him and established a deal that there would come a day when he’d need to support me in return.
I’ve had to take a backseat to his dreams, but I know he’ll return the favor
I’ve always been a career person — someone with direction who works very hard. Now I’m with someone who’s outperforming me in that area. I’m not blindly trusting everything will go well; we have conversations about this constantly.
It’s strange, but it’s a conscious choice I’ve made because I view this person as somebody I want to experience my whole life with. I write a lot in my diary, trying to figure out what I truly feel and want. The biggest challenge to wrap my head around is that his passion and project are taking priority, and I must remember that things will change as I figure out what I’m most passionate about.
Emil and I have very compatible skills and knowledge; I focus on design, marketing, and branding, while he is in tech and business development. With his help, I’ve even started creating my marketing platform, CrazeAI.
Work sometimes comes before the relationship, so we focus on presence with each other
Emil is the type of person who really values quality time. If we watch something on Netflix, for example, we’re not going to be on our phones. We’re in this together. I think we’re very conscious of the distractions we have around us.
Because of that, I’m very lenient in times when he has to step away for something at work. There are times we’ll be on a walk together, and one of his partners calls, and he suddenly forgets he’s on a walk with me. He’ll just walk away.
I don’t worry about it too much because I’ve been in that position before. When I was building the jewelry brand, I would wake up in the middle of the night having to answer emails. I have a lot of understanding that he’s in a position where these moments can make it or break it for his business.
Our baseline is one of presence, so when something comes up, it’s OK.
Most of our conversations go back to business
It’s very hard not to talk about the development of the business because that’s the stage we’re in. We’re both very passionate about it, and we work together on it, so it doesn’t feel like a dragging conversation.
There are times we go out to have a drink and try not to talk about business, but then we start dreaming and saying things like “Imagine when we get to this level or through these things.” It feels supportive to talk through these things.
We also try to play chess every once in a while and take salsa classes. That’s a time when we’re not talking or thinking about work at all.
We set aside moments to remind each other we’re life partners, not business partners
We’re often in a mode where we have to buckle down and figure issues out about the business, and those conversations aren’t happening in a candlelit dinner setting. We’re sitting down with an Excel sheet, sourcing out financials. It’s not very romantic.
Recently, we’ve been trying to get out of our usual environment, whether for a day trip, a hike, or a trip back home to Norway to see family, to remind us that we have identities outside of being a doer and fixer. That’s when we usually find each other again and remember, “Oh wait, I’m also a girlfriend.”
I’m also very persistent about spending two minutes before we go to bed without distractions to just be together and settle. It’s very important to have routines like that.
You need a strong sense of self to date a founder
If you’re entering a relationship with a founder, you need your own strong support system and lifestyle. Your whole life cannot be the relationship, because it’s not theirs.
Founders can be so focused on chasing their dream that they can forget your needs or your dates. You need to have your own life so those moments don’t feel too heavy, and find a balance between forgiveness and setting boundaries.
Founders are dreamers, and they often dream about what their life will look like when their business succeeds. Are you a part of that dream? Are they saying “when we get to that point..” or is it “when I get to that point..”? Little things like that are so important.
We dream a lot together, so I know his success is my success.
Do you have a story to share about what it’s like to date a founder? If so, please reach out to the editor, Manseen Logan, at mlogan@businessinsider.com.
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