At a recent workshop for parents of high school juniors, I felt my eyes glaze over as the facilitator shared some discouraging trends about the college landscape.
More students than ever are applying to college, he explained, but schools haven’t kept up with demand. With acceptance rates falling, the colleges we once considered safety schools have become a lot more selective. “No wonder these kids are so stressed out,” I thought as I scribbled in my notebook.
I’ve now started absorbing my teen’s stress as we navigate this complicated process.
The high schoolers I know are feeling a lot of pressure
Unlike when I was a teenager, factors such as the Common App and the widespread adoption of test-optional policies have made it easier for students to apply to multiple schools at once.
One college consultant told me that the high schoolers he works with apply to between 10 and 12 schools on average. With more applicants for a limited number of spots, kids are feeling increased pressure to distinguish themselves — and at earlier ages.
While I didn’t take any AP classes until my senior year of high school, my daughter will have completed several by the time she graduates.
For my daughter and her peers, junior year has been exciting but fraught with anxiety, as every test, grade, and decision feels critical. I want to reassure them, but I know they’re facing an uphill battle. My daughter regularly hears from older classmates who were rejected from their dream colleges despite near-perfect grade point averages and deep involvement in extracurricular activities.
I’m helping my daughter much more than my parents helped me
Looking back on my own college search process, I vaguely recall meeting with a guidance counselor who told me to apply to a mix of safety, target, and reach schools. Sometime during the fall of my senior year, I picked several colleges, filled in the applications, and mailed them off one by one. Aside from paying the application fees and proofreading my essays, my parents didn’t get involved.
By contrast, I’ve helped my daughter research schools and brainstorm ideas for personal statements. I’ve suggested service projects and summer programs to boost her résumé.
Sometimes I’ve crossed that delicate line between helping and pestering. When my daughter doesn’t jump on a task with the urgency I think is warranted, for instance, I launch into lectures about time management.
The truth? I overstep because, like many parents, I’m anxious about my daughter’s college options.
The Princeton Review’s 2025 College Hopes & Worries Survey indicates 71% of parents feel “high” or “very high” stress about college applications. Over the past year, that stress has seeped into day-to-day interactions with my daughter. This winter, I was texting with another mom about how the college process has impacted our relationships with our kids.
“It’s so hard for them!” she said. “All we do is nag!”
Building in time to connect 1:1 has helped
I want my daughter to have every option she desires when it comes to college. But I’ve realized our relationship is far more important than getting her into a particular school. In less than two years, she could be living far away, on her own for the first time. I don’t want to spend her last months at home squabbling about applications and task lists.
With deadlines looming this fall, I’m trying to prioritize our relationship over her résumé. I avoid discussing anything college-related right before bedtime or if my daughter is having a tough day. We make time for relaxed excursions that have nothing to do with school, from dog walks in the neighborhood to shopping for fun snacks. Sometimes we meet up virtually, diving into a session of an online game my daughter loved when she was younger and recently rediscovered.
While it’s still a struggle, I’m trying to manage my own anxiety by finding support from peers. Talking with other parents whose kids are a year or two ahead of us in the process has helped. As one friend whose son is a college freshman told me, “It will all work out.”
Somehow, I know it will.
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