This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Carol Leonard, 65, who is raising her grandsons: Blaze, 17, and Jason, 15, in Baton Rouge. Leonard said raising them has been a financial hit, but she’s been able to keep the family afloat. Her words have been edited for length and clarity.
There are so many grandparents raising grandchildren, and the system is failing us. I don’t need support for myself — I survived fine on my own — but when you have two teenage boys, they need assistance. There’s no safety net for grandparents, especially for those without legal rights.
I have five children, whom I raised mostly on my own, and 17 grandchildren. I have my two grandsons because their parents were unable to care for them.
My son is the father of the boys and is 47 now. I’ve had Jason and Blaze throughout their lives. A few times when they were younger, the court gave me temporary custody when their parents were unable to raise them. I’ve been that stronghold and safety net to catch them.
My son hasn’t signed the papers to give me legal custody
If my son were to walk in and say, “I want them with me,” he can walk out of here with them.
I can’t afford an attorney to go through the system; the last one I tried to get wanted $800 upfront. Still, the school let me enroll them because the district knows the parents’ history. I’ve been able to get medical care for them, and they’re on my tax forms.
Someone told me to try foster care, but it’s a road I refuse to go down. I don’t trust the system. It would hurt me so badly to know that I let my grandchildren go into foster care because I couldn’t afford to feed or house them.
I’ve tried to apply for food stamps, but they tell me I make too much money
I earn $40,000 a year as a facilities manager at a building. I’d need to make half of that to qualify. The boys have an older sister who gets food stamps and sometimes buys groceries for us. Our church contributes food from the pantry.
I was in a two-bedroom apartment, with Jason sleeping in the living room, but earlier this year, I was able to purchase a small house. They now have their own bedrooms. Our lights and water have never been turned off.
I have a car note, mortgage notes, and other bills to pay. I’d like to be able to give the boys more. It hurts me that we go out to dinner only maybe once a month, and that’s a big expense.
I can’t give them things that other kids get
I’d love to take them to Disney World or on a cruise, but I can’t afford it. They’re aware of our financial situation and that we can’t do a lot of things, but I don’t want them to worry. They know that I don’t have the financial means to put them through college, so I’m hoping they can secure scholarships. I won’t let them do nothing.
They’re good boys and don’t do things that difficult teenagers do, other than not cleaning their rooms. Sometimes, I have to crack down more and say no. Jason wasn’t doing well in Spanish, so I took his phone away to make him aware of the consequences. That hurt me.
One time, he broke his phone. I could have purchased him a new phone immediately, but I knew he had to learn a lesson. It took me a few months to replace his phone because I needed him to have some form of reliable communication. This isn’t what a grandmother should have to do; it’s a parent’s job.
I have arthritis, so I can’t do all the things that parents can
I’ve had both knees replaced, and I’m a little slow getting around. I’m up at 5 a.m. to get the boys ready, and I have to be at work by 7. I work until 3, and the boys come home and do some housework. Sunday is my day. I go to church, and in the afternoons, I cook and relax. I feel like I’m falling short sometimes as a parent because I don’t have the time or energy to cook a full meal during the week.
Blaze works a job on Fridays and Saturdays. It’s not a lot of money, but it helps and builds character. They’re not driving my car because I can’t afford the insurance, so I pick him up at 9 or 10 at night when he gets off. The younger one wants to work too, but I can’t carpool two kids to work.
I do try to be their grandmother more than I get to be a parent
I’m a parent by providing them with a shelter over their head, food, and clothing, but I’m a grandmother by being able to spoil them when I can. My other grandchildren come to visit and call me, and I try to spoil them, too.
The boys are closer to their mom than to their dad. I try to have them maintain contact. I try to give them confidence to not feel sorry about what they went through; I don’t want them to use their circumstances as a crutch. If they make good decisions, they’re going to have good outcomes.
I worry about what would happen if something happens to me. Will they be able to support themselves and be independent? I’m sure some family would assist. I don’t want to see them get angry and go into the foster care system and decide to turn to drugs or drinking. They may have to work a little harder to get to where they want to be, but they’ll get there.
I love them to death, and all I can do is give them love.
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