A few years ago, when our son was 8, one of his mates asked if he could go bike riding around the neighborhood with him. This particular kid is a strong mountain bike rider and has always been mature for his age, so his parents trusted his judgment when he was out riding alone.
In some ways, our son is also mature. He can help take care of his two little sisters, order a meal himself, and ask an adult a question with confidence. But when it comes to understanding road rules and being aware of hazards like reversing cars, he’s easily distracted.
It was too soon to let our son do certain things
As much as I wanted to be the cool mum and say, “Yes, of course you can go riding together,” I just didn’t think our son was ready. After talking to my husband about it later, he agreed it was too soon.
I remember the child’s mum, one of my close friends, asking when our son might be able to go riding with her boy. I felt a tad ridiculous saying, “Ah, maybe when he’s 10.” It felt so far away.
Next came the sleepover question from my son’s friends. When would he be allowed to stay the night? I wanted to say, “Never!” but I also didn’t want to be a grinch and have him miss out on making fun memories with friends. We ended up letting him go to a sleepover for the first time last year, and he loved it.
It’s one of those big decisions as a parent. At what point do you let your kids go? When do you give them that freedom and trust that everything you’ve taught them up until that point is enough to keep them safe?
For a long time, for my husband and me, the benefit of giving our son freedom and independence didn’t outweigh the risk of him being injured or hurt. We just wanted to protect our son at all costs, whether that’s the right approach or not.
Moving in with my parents changed my perspective
Funnily enough, something shifted when we moved in with my parents earlier this year. We relocated from country Victoria, in Australia, to the Gold Coast, and moved in with my folks.
A few weeks ago, my mum was looking after my son, who turns 11 this month, as well as my daughter and niece, both 7, while I worked. When she got home, I asked them how their afternoon was.
Mum explained that she’d dropped our son and my niece at the library while she took my daughter to gymnastics. I almost choked on my apple.
“Who was looking after them, mum?” I asked. She looked confused. “He was,” she said, pointing at my son and smiling.
Internally, I could feel my blood starting to boil. I wanted to scream, “But how could you leave them alone there?” Mum could tell I was upset, so she tried to explain her reasoning.
“Darling, he’s almost 11 years old,” she said. “He’ll be a teenager in two years. He’s quite capable of watching his younger cousin for an hour.”
Giving my son more freedom has helped me feel more confident, too
After I calmed down, I realized my mum was right. She had, after all, raised four children successfully and taught us how to be independent, capable young people. It was time to let go.
And so, we’ve started giving our son a bit more freedom. When he walks to a friend’s house alone, I can feel that familiar old rush of anxiety, but I try to tell myself he’s got this. The more independence we give him, the more my confidence grows, too.
I’m also increasingly letting him work through challenges by himself. In the past, I used to try to solve every issue, heal every hurt, but I now realize I may have been doing him a disservice. He needs to build resilience and learn to problem-solve on his own.
The other day our son came home from school and was complaining about something that had happened with another child. My first instinct was to offer to consult the kid’s parent about it, but mum pulled me up. “I reckon you can sort that out on your own,” she told my son, giving me a wink. “I believe in you.”
I smiled and nodded. “Yeah, me too,” I said.
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