This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jen Affleck, who stars on Hulu’s “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives”. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Growing up, I thought success was selfish.
Being raised in Mormon culture, I learned that the women were supposed to be at home, nurturing children, and the men were supposed to be out providing and working. For a woman, wanting success outside the home was selfish.
That perception has definitely changed throughout the years. Now, I know you can be a better mom when you’re pursuing your dreams. When you fill your cup, you have more to give.
I hope that the work I’m doing shows other moms — especially Mormon moms — that it’s OK to want more. Moms are often forgotten, especially in Mormon culture, but our dreams matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Sometimes, I get carried away
Of course, being a mom and a businesswoman is difficult. It’s something I’m still trying to juggle. There are days when I’m like, “I need to quit my job and just be home — this is too hard.” But most days, I know I’m helping.
Still, there are moments I get carried away. I was only eight weeks postpartum from having my daughter Penelope when I started “Dancing With The Stars.” I was balancing late nights, with dancing five to eight hours, and trying to get over the flu. Then, someone puts a camera in your face.
Looking back, I can see I look tired. It’s because I was. There was a lot going on. I said some things that I shouldn’t have. I regret that very, very, very much. I was just doing the best I could with what was happening in my life.
I’ve had a faith crisis, but still believe in a higher purpose
Before being on TV, I lived in fear, mostly of what other people would think. I was raised to always do what was expected, so it was a change to think about what I wanted and what’s actually best for me. Making that change allowed me to talk about things that no one really discusses about in my culture, and now I look forward to those hard conversations.
I’ve gone through a faith crisis, and I’m still figuring out a lot of stuff. Yet something from my background that’s stuck with me is the idea of having a higher purpose: I believe there’s a bigger reason that we humans are here on Earth. When you know your higher purpose, you can live a more fulfilling life.
My higher purpose is to be a light and an example. I don’t mean an example everyone should follow — there are a lot of things I’ve done I wouldn’t recommend anyone replicate. But I aim to be an example of how I learn from those mistakes.
I want my kids to know how to move through hard things
I still pray, and I ask God for mountains to climb. That sounds crazy, but I’ve learned that pain, discovery, and difficult situations force you to turn inward. Challenges help you to see the bigger picture.
I want my kids to know that going through hard things is important. One day, they’ll see the show, and the difficult times that their father and I have had. Some might say that’s negative, but I think it’s important. They’ll be able to see the problems in our relationship and how we worked hard to fix them.
I’m showing my kids that it’s OK to show up, even when you make mistakes or have problems. If you keep going, you can come back better and stronger.
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