My teenage daughter and I recently moved to Ireland after living in Germany and Spain for 12 years.
I grew up in Ireland, but I wanted my daughter to experience other cultures. So, when I was offered a job in Berlin, I jumped at the chance.
Now that we’re back, I’m really glad she had that time abroad. For sure, raising a child in a country that’s new to you isn’t without its challenges, but I really believe it helped make her more resilient and independent.
After living in three countries, I implemented the best parenting lessons from each culture to help raise my daughter.
In Germany, independence starts young
My daughter was six months old when we moved to Berlin, and though parents in Germany are legally entitled to enroll their children from 12 months old in state-supported kita (kindergarten), we didn’t organize a kita place for her until she had turned two.
I’d already witnessed how kids in Berlin were given more freedom at the playgrounds, but I was still surprised at how clearly self-reliance was woven into the kita ethos.
Children were encouraged to play freely and take more risks, with bumps and bruises along the way all being part of it. Making their own decisions was also applauded, so much so that when my daughter wanted to copy the older kids and start her own potty training, she did.
However, when the kindergarten organized an on-site sleepover, it felt like a bridge too far. My daughter had just turned three, and while other parents agreed without hesitation, I just couldn’t. She didn’t attend, and I still think that was right. But it made me look more closely at other moments where I might have been holding her back from enjoying a little independence.
If we had stayed in Berlin longer, we would have been encouraged to let her walk to school alone by 7. I’m not sure I could have accepted that, though this kind of autonomy is rolled out carefully. Plus, the state supports parents in these early steps, which does help instill confidence. For example, my job was legally obliged to give me paid leave to help her settle into kindergarten.
So, while I didn’t fully adopt Germany’s approach, I began to see independence not as something that begins once kids become teens but as a skill that can be nurtured responsibly in children from their earliest years.
In Spain, we learned to have fun beyond family
When we moved to Madrid, my daughter was turning 4, and the difference in parenting culture was immediate.
In Spain, family is at the center of everything. Weekends are taken up with big family dinners or trips to see aging parents. As soon as the weather improves, many also head to their pueblo, which is typically the village of their grandparents. Here, children spend time with cousins and extended family. It’s lovely and very social, but not having Spanish relations, we were totally outside of it.
Berlin was very much an expat city, so weekends were filled with meetups with other moms and kids at playgrounds and child-oriented kindercafes. However, as a more traditional Spanish city, Madrid’s expat life wasn’t so easy to plug into. Playdates weren’t the norm, and despite having a great bunch of school friends, my daughter’s weekends were often just the two of us.
That said, during the long, hot summers, it wasn’t unusual to see young children out until midnight, playing in plazas while parents socialized. That would have been unusual in Berlin and probably considered bad parenting in Ireland, but that easy freedom allowed us moments to mingle and appreciate life’s simpler pleasures.
Overall, if Berlin helped develop her independence, life in Spain saw my daughter become more confident in her own company, a characteristic I now see as one of her greatest strengths.
We found balance back in Ireland
Becoming a single mom, I returned to Ireland with my daughter just as she entered her teenage years.
In Dublin, there’s a big emphasis on safety over independence. I totally get this. Though Dublin city center is smaller than Berlin or Madrid, it’s quiet after a certain time, and I would worry about my daughter’s safety there.
Still, while I don’t let her travel solo into the city, she still uses local public transport and walks to her grandmother’s house, 20 minutes away.
Childhood activities in Ireland are structured around school and after-school clubs, but I’m happy to see her wander with friends along nearby beaches and parks, enjoying the kind of freedom encouraged in Berlin. We stay in touch by phone, but I don’t feel the need to check up on her every move.
Seeing the importance of family in Spain also made me value those connections more, and we’re both building stronger relationships with relatives.
After raising a child across three cultures, I don’t believe there’s a single “right” way to parent. But I do believe there’s value in stepping outside your own norms and incorporating the best parenting elements from other cultures to help your kids become more resilient and independent.
Read the full article here
