This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Brandon Webb, author of Puddle Jumpers. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My parents were hippies who gave me a lot of freedom.
I was homeschooled, and we traveled frequently. At 10 or 11, I was making friends in dusty Mexican streets. At 16, in Tahiti, my dad kicked me off the boat during a family sailing trip in the South Pacific (that’s another story).
While it wasn’t traditional, the way my parents raised me gave me a lot of confidence.
The Navy was my ticket to something different. I joined when I was 18, and four years later, I met Gretchen. Back then, the Navy paid you more once you were married. We were in love, and with the financial incentive, the decision was easy.
I’d already been on deployment to the Middle East with the Navy SEALs, but on September 11, 2001, I knew everything had changed for Gretchen and me. By the time our first child was born in November 2001, I was in Afghanistan.
My ex-wife and I did counseling to become good coparents
Gretchen and I had two more children, and like many military couples, we struggled. I looked around me and realized that the guys who had been in the Navy for 20 or 30 years hardly had any family relationships. Their family was the SEAL team, and I didn’t want that. After 13 years, six months, and six days, I left the Navy.
I’d been investing in real estate while enlisted, so we were OK financially. I was also able to work on lucrative defense contracts. Unfortunately, being out of the military didn’t solve my relationship issues, and Gretchen asked for a divorce.
We were in couples counseling when that happened, and we continued working with a psychologist so that we could be the best coparents. Gretchen and the kids moved to her parents’ ranch, and soon her parents were inviting me to stay at the guest house. Even today, Gretchen and I have a great relationship.
I used visualization in sniper school and Little League
The first time I realized that military principles could apply to parenting, I was coaching Little League. In the SEALs, we use mental management: visualization, mantras, and positive self-talk that can improve performance.
One day on the field, I realized that the same thing that helped my sniper students could now help the 8-year-olds I was coaching. I started implementing it with my kids at home. I helped my oldest visualize a school presentation, over and over again. At the end, he wasn’t as nervous — and I had identified an important parenting tool.
I taught my kids to reframe negative talk, even from adults
Part of mental management is noticing negative self-talk: the little things we tell ourselves, like “I’m a klutz,” or “I’m bad with numbers.” I wanted my kids to identify their own negative self-talk and also recognize when teachers, coaches, or other adults were unintentionally leading them to focus on the negative.
As a sniper trainer, I’d seen that pointing out problems wasn’t helpful. If I told a SEAL not to flinch, flinching was all they’d think about. Instead, I’d tell them to take a deep breath and focus on a smooth trigger pull. That was much more productive. I taught my kids to reframe criticism to focus on what they should be doing — now the habits they should leave behind.
I gave my kids lots of independence and MetroCards
I saw what my own upbringing did for me, so I wanted to give my kids plenty of independence to build their confidence. My oldest son and daughter both got New York City MetroCards when they were 16: my son for an internship, and my daughter for a job.
Both looked like deer in headlights when I handed them the card and sent them out into the city. But I could see immediately the impact it had, especially for my daughter. Because my kids knew I trusted them, they stepped confidently into their adult roles.
I let my kids cope with their consequences
Today, parents often want to do everything for their kids. That’s a way that even very successful people mess up their kids. It’s why I’ve always focused on not over-advocating for my children.
My youngest made the basketball team as a freshman and was thrilled. A few weeks later, he got kicked off for having a bad attitude. A lot of parents might have spoken to the coach on his behalf, but I didn’t.
Instead, I made sure he knew this was an important life lesson: no matter how talented you are, no one wants to work with a jerk. Knowing that will be much more impactful in his life than a missed season of basketball.
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