Dear For Love & Money,
I grew up believing my family was poor. My parents told us we were broke at every opportunity, and we lived in impoverished conditions. They always seemed stressed about money, and they made it seem like a lucky fluke that we never lost the house or had our utilities turned off.
Fast forward 35 years, my mom and dad died within a few years of each other, and my sister and I inherited a life-changing amount of money. As the executor, I’m working through the estate and learning that this money wasn’t a one-time windfall or even the very gradual accumulation of poor people saving money. Apparently, they always made plenty.
My parents stocked it away and were very careful with it, and I understand that living as frugally as we did is a big part of why we have this inheritance now, but I feel devastated. They made us go without so much, and all for what? An inheritance that’s wonderful, but that we don’t actually need at this point in our lives.
I look back at all the family vacations we didn’t take and all the ways money could’ve enriched not only my childhood but also their lives and, by extension, my memories of them. This wonderful inheritance feels like a stab to the heart. I don’t know how to move on without letting this sour my memories.
Sincerely,
Hollow Legacy
Dear Hollow Legacy,
Your story is heartbreaking and an important cautionary tale for all the parents out there who are too scared to spend their money. As the adage goes, “You can’t take it with you.” It may feel a bit trite and worn out, but it holds true. Unfortunately, many of us forget this truth because society applies a moral value to what we do with our money. Saving is good. Spending is bad. But rarely are things so simple, particularly when it comes to personal finance.
For instance, spending money on groceries is a necessity of modern life, while buying yourself a brand new sports car when you can’t make your house payment is irresponsible. Saving your money to leave your kids a life-changing inheritance is a beautiful gift, but lying to your kids and building their childhoods on a foundation of financial anxiety to do it? Not so much.
You know all this, though; you’ve experienced the heartache of it firsthand. I mention it because, as we discuss your parents’ choices, it’s worth remembering how our society treats saving compared to spending. Your parents aren’t here to argue with you or defend themselves. In order for you to move forward, free of bitterness, there are a few things you should do: First, try to empathize with them. Second, focus on the good. And finally, use their legacy in a way that heals you.
To empathize with them, you need to consider all of their likely motives that were positive, or at least understandable. Hearing your story, I found myself wondering if they framed themselves as broke because that’s actually how they saw themselves. It’s easy to go over a lifetime of paycheck stubs and bank statements and recognize the evidence of wealth, but reality often has little to do with how an experience is felt, especially when it comes to fear, scarcity, and emotional baggage.
Every family has its lore; perhaps there’s a history of bankruptcy, job loss, and deprivation. If your mother grew up in the shadow of a parent who couldn’t hold down a job, or if the bank foreclosed on your dad’s childhood home, there may not have been a dollar amount in the world that made them feel financially secure, let alone wealthy. Or, similarly, perhaps their parents left them nothing, and they wanted to ensure they didn’t do the same to you and your sister.
Whatever the case, half the job of empathy is simply attributing the most generous motives to others. Perhaps the details of those motives will remain a mystery to you for the remainder of your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t assume that your parents were doing what they considered the best possible thing for you and your sister. Take comfort in that love.
This brings me to my next suggestion: focus on the good. Shocking revelations such as yours tend to recolor the lens through which we see the past. Try not to let them. Hold on to the happy times — whether it’s the Christmas breakfasts spent around the tree that didn’t include many gifts, or the times you tent camped in your backyard in lieu of a family vacation.
Don’t let your parents’ lack of spending steal these kinds of precious memories from you. Your mom’s smile wouldn’t have been less wondrous when you opened birthday presents simply because they were secondhand, and your dad’s hugs no less warm, simply because they didn’t occur in the Bahamas. Remember the good. Forget the bad. The beautiful thing about the human brain is that we have the power to choose what we keep.
Finally, use the inheritance they left you to rewrite your family’s story your way. Give generously, live abundantly, delight in bringing your values to life in a way that might have made your parents wince when you were a kid, but that you know deep down would have brought color to their world. An inheritance is the gift your parents leave for you, but the legacy is what you do with it. Don’t make it hollow.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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