After having a baby last summer, my husband and I realized something: by the time the house was quiet and our baby was asleep, neither of us had much energy left to talk about anything. We weren’t fighting often, but little frustrations had a way of lingering because there never seemed to be a “right” time to bring them up. So, we decided to try a new weekly check-in ritual.
We treat it like a physical for our relationship: It’s a chance to celebrate what’s working, catch small issues before they snowball, and make sure neither of us is quietly carrying resentment.
So far, it’s been the single most helpful habit we’ve adopted as a couple.
We use the same questions every week
Having a structured format works well for us. Instead of wasting time — “What do you want to talk about?” “I don’t know, what do you want to talk about?” — we just run down our list, each taking turns to talk or listen. While it took some trial-and-error to find the questions that are most beneficial, here’s the set we landed on:
- What made you feel loved this week?
- What’s your biggest stressor looking ahead to next week? And what’s one thing I can do to support you?
- What’s one thing you’re really looking forward to this week?
- What would make you feel connected to me this week?
- Is there anything we should talk about now before it becomes a bigger issue?
Each question serves a different purpose.
The first question encourages us to acknowledge each other’s efforts
During a busy, stressful week, it can be easy to overlook the little things we both do to care for each other. But my husband and I made a vow never to take each other for granted.
The first question — “What made you feel loved this week?” — offers a natural opportunity for us to express some gratitude. I might let my husband know how much it meant to me that he got up with the baby in the middle of the night. He might thank me for making his morning easier by filling up his water bottle and watching our son while he worked out.
Then, we do some collaborative troubleshooting
I find that naming my stressors out loud can help prevent me from spiraling inside my own head. Plus, when my husband and I share them with each other, we’re able to proactively problem-solve together. Better yet, we both have the chance to explain exactly how we’d like to receive support from each other — rather than leaving each other to guess.
So, if I tell him I’m nervous about an interview coming up this week, he could offer some confidence-boosting affirmation, and then I could ask him to rehearse my questions with me the night before so I feel prepared.
We also balance things out with positive anticipation
During our check-in, we’re careful not to dwell too much on the potentially anxiety-inducing events coming up. Taking a moment to talk about the things we’re looking forward to, whether it’s a family walk or a special home-cooked dinner, helps us to feel excited about the week ahead.
We benefit from having an opportunity to express our needs
My husband and I have similar love languages, but we’re not mind readers. We can’t expect the other person to know exactly what we need from each other. That’s precisely why we started asking: “What would make you feel connected to me this week?”
Sometimes, for me, it’s often as simple as having breakfast together or getting a text check-in after my therapy appointment.
For him, it might just be an unprompted hug or putting our phones away while we watch something together.
Finally, we tackle any issues before they escalate
If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the last eight years of our relationship, it’s that there’s a right and wrong time to bring up things that are bothering you. Confronting the other person at the end of a draining workday, or in a moment when one or both of you are already emotionally activated, is unlikely to lead to a productive discussion. That’s why we always end our weekly check-ins on this question: Is there anything we should talk about now before it becomes a bigger issue?
This gives us both peace of mind that there’s a designated time to air out any concerns, so we don’t feel the need to tackle them when we don’t have the emotional bandwidth. In my iPhone Notes App, I might jot down something that bugged me — say, when my husband forgot to tell me he was working late — so I don’t forget to bring it up. Sometimes, by the time we get to our weekly check-in on Sunday, I’m already over it. But when something is still bothering me, it’s super helpful to have a safe space to share it.
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