I was talking to a friend about cleaning recently. He said that he cleans the family home and I pointed out that this is something of a rarity, even though it shouldn’t be. My friend said that he doesn’t “help his wife” clean; it’s his home, too, and therefore also his responsibility. So, he cleans their home.
I explained how, in all my serious, live-in relationships, not one of my partners knew how to do any routine cleaning, such as cleaning the bathrooms or floors, until I showed them how.
I’ve had to show all of my previous partners how to clean
As I thought more about cleaning and my past relationships, I realized that I really didn’t want my own son to grow up not knowing how to clean his living space — or worse, not being a team player when it comes to household chores.
He is almost 13, and while we’ve been cleaning together for years already, he still thinks he shouldn’t have to help. Unfortunately, I’ve also heard him say that cleaning the house isn’t “man’s work.” Whenever I hear him say something like that, I question him about that belief.
I usually start by asking him, “Why do you think that?” In this case, he has grown up watching me do all of the housework, whether I was in a relationship or not. He explained that he thought that’s just “what moms did.”
I tried appealing to his logic and explaining how exhausting it is to do every household chore on one’s own. The topic of gender and expectations also came up, as can be expected when talking about division of household responsibilities.
I also explained how cleaning and keeping his space organized is about a lot more than just doing housework — it’s a form of self-care, too. And when he lives with other people one day, it’s also a way to be a team player.
We talk a lot about fairness, and he now understands that it wouldn’t be fair to expect any one person to do the chores of the entire household. He also understands that everyone needs to pitch in, and that it’s part of life, even if most people don’t love doing chores.
To get my son to help, my husband had to get on board and start cleaning, too
While talking to my son about why he doesn’t think he should have to clean, I realized that I’ve allowed my husband of five years to forgo chores, too. Once we realized that he needed to set a better example around the home, cleaning truly became a family affair.
There are certain tasks we should all do daily, such as making our beds, cleaning up after ourselves, and helping with the dishes and laundry. But when it comes to the deeper cleaning, even my husband doesn’t enjoy contributing.
To ease my husband and son into a new way of life around the house, I decided to designate one day a week to share all the major housework. It’s a little different every week, because I want my son to learn how to clean the whole house, and I also want him to witness my husband doing the same.
We all take turns doing the floors, so, for instance, my son will vacuum, then my husband will mop while I’m cleaning the bathrooms. The following week, we switch, and they tackle the bathrooms while I get the floors.
Since my son hates every moment of it, my husband and I really have to maintain a united front. Seeing my husband clean without complaining really does help my son get the work done with a better attitude overall.
On a practical level, the house gets clean much more quickly, which means we all spend less time on chores, but on a deeper level, our family starts to feel more like a small community, learning to work better together. What once took me three hours of hard work now takes us an hour as a group.
My son would never admit it, but I know that what I’m teaching him is sinking in
I actually love cleaning and find it therapeutic, so I try to share that attitude with him by recommending he put on some good music while he cleans. Once, he took my advice and reorganized his room — without us asking him to — for an entire afternoon, all while listening to his favorite music. It showed me that he’s listening, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.
His actual cleaning skills are improving, and the other benefits — like how nice it feels when your room has just been cleaned — are becoming more evident to him through firsthand experience. I can see him starting to take more responsibility in caring for his own belongings, and while it’s not quite a total victory for me yet in the realm of family chores, I do think it’s a great place for my son to begin.
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