At 5 a.m. every Thursday morning, my phone pings with a text from my friend. This early morning communication is a yearslong tradition that began when we lived in the same time zone. My 5 a.m. is her 8 a.m., a much more reasonable hour for a check-in.
She and I met through our children. She has four — two girls and two boys. I have five — four boys and one girl. They are close in age, so she and I spent a lot of time together at school functions, sports competitions, and kid-themed social gatherings.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, I kept her company as she recovered from grueling treatments. She accompanied me to a few of my own medical procedures. She, overhearing me tell a nurse how much I weighed, cemented our friendship with a promise to never reveal the number. We’re friends for life.
3,000 miles is not the only reason friendships fade
It’s been a decade since she and I got together in person. She was my first visitor when I moved to San Francisco, and I stayed with her on a visit to Boston. Now she cares for her elderly mother and rarely leaves home. I don’t travel back to New England anymore, so I’m never in her orbit. Although I’m confident our friendship will endure, we’re far less connected.
Distance isn’t the only reason mom friends lose touch. My friend and I became friends when her son and my daughter started dating in high school. Within a few months, the romance waned, but she and I remained close.
For years, we took long, meandering walks together and discussed a wide range of topics like our shaky marriages — mine failed, hers wobbled, but endured — and the tricky dynamics of life with teenagers. We promised to continue the friendship once I announced my cross-country move, but it didn’t last. Our kids grew into adults, and the ties that bound us loosened.
We connected through our children
I met my mom friends through our kids. Even if they stopped playing together, we remained close. The day my husband announced he was leaving, a group of these women rallied around me at school drop-off and did not leave my side until we picked the kids up at the end of the day. One accompanied me to court to hold my hand when the divorce was finalized.
They supported me as a single mom, too. When my daughter’s dorm burned in a California wildfire, another cared for my youngest son while I traveled to Santa Barbara to help my daughter cope with the loss. We schedule occasional phone calls to catch up, but it’s not the same as the in-person visits we used to have.
It takes effort to stay in touch
I admit I could work harder to stay in touch.
I occasionally send an email or text to check in, but it’s not the same as meeting for coffee. During the pandemic, as we sequestered in personal pods, I reached out to each mom friend by phone or Zoom. It had been years since we’d stood on the sidelines of a lacrosse game or helped backstage at a dance recital. We had a lot of catching up to do.
I had many fulfilling conversations with these women, but I’m having trouble sustaining the relationships. We’re all over the country now.
I comment on Facebook posts and send thinking-of-you notes, but without the regular contact we enjoyed in the school parking lot every afternoon, it’s tough to maintain these long-distance friendships.
I have a different friend group now
I have a new friend group now. We’re all mature women with lifetimes of unshared experience.
We bond over new interests and socialize through travel, art, and activities I never shared with my mom friends. I miss the women I walked alongside during our children’s growing-up years.
We should have a reunion.
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