Last summer, after a devastating house fire that left them homeless, our son, pregnant daughter-in-law, and 4-year-old grandson moved in with me and my husband.
Considering their circumstances, it seemed like the most sensible option until they could rebuild. Still, we all felt pretty apprehensive heading into this living arrangement.
For one, our lifestyles were quite different: My husband and I had been empty nesters for the past decade, and we had routine sleep and mealtimes. Meanwhile, they were young parents with a small child and a baby on the way — a lot of their schedules depended on seasonal and weekly activities.
On top of that, they had just experienced trauma and were under high stress, dealing with insurance, pregnancy, and major job changes.
Fortunately, this setup has turned out to be a blessing for all of us.
At first, we all felt pretty overwhelmed
Our son and his family moved into our basement, which we’d set up to be a private, comfortable space with furnished bedrooms, a living area, and a bathroom.
In the beginning, they often kept to themselves and spent a lot of time down there.
Meanwhile, my husband and I wanted to figure out how to be supportive without overstepping. This wasn’t easy for me.
As a mama bear by nature, I felt compelled to nurture by preparing healthy meals that would please everyone. This quickly became an impossible feat as I tried to juggle the many differing tastes and dietary needs of our household.
Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed with the task, especially on special occasions when the rest of the extended family joined us.
I also tried to keep our space and theirs tidy, cleaning while they were away to avoid disturbing them — another task I found challenging because of the time constraints I set for myself.
We’ve really learned to share tasks and take care of each other
In time, we gained a better understanding of each other’s boundaries and needs.
Gradually, I learned to ease off and adjust my expectations, while others began to help out and contribute when they could.
Though I still regularly cook for everyone, I’m more flexible — even if it means sometimes opting for frozen pizza or takeout. Each of us prepares our own breakfast and lunch, and then we usually sit down together for dinner each night.
I’ve also changed my cleaning routine and chosen to embrace small messes as traces of joy in our home. After all, I’d rather have the people I love in a not-as-tidy house than an empty, clean one.
When our daughter-in-law gave birth a few months later, our family dynamics underwent yet another change. Nothing unites a family in love and joy like a new baby.
We adults created a nice balance in tag-teaming with the kids, taking turns helping with breakfast, day-care drop-off or pickup, and bathtime.
Though my husband and I will look after one or both of them as needed, we’ve let go of feeling obligated to be ready and available as babysitters at all times. If we want to make plans outside the house, we do so.
We also created a family calendar to better keep track of and support each other’s activities. Each weekend, we connect to discuss comings and goings and make a loose plan for the week.
Then, we all go about our business.
This year has been a test of resilience and quite the bonding experience
So far, we’ve had this arrangement for about a year as we patiently wait for our son and daughter-in-law’s house to be ready.
It feels like a long exercise in adapting to changing circumstances and navigating new boundaries. But, along the way, our family’s bond has only gotten stronger.
We’re not always in perfect harmony, and I know my husband and I have mixed emotions when our temporary housemates eventually move out.
For now, we’re really enjoying the daily cuddles and extra bonding moments with our grandkids.
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