I didn’t actively choose not to have children. It simply did not happen.
I was child-free, but not because of medical reasons, heartache, or anything traumatic. I just felt building a family had to be something I did with the right person — a person I had not met yet.
Through the years, I admired my married friends and their strong relationships with their children, and harbored a quiet yearning for that type of sharing and love, but I wasn’t going to do it on my own. And little did I know, my family wasn’t going to look anything like how I had imagined it would.
First comes love, then comes a surprise
In 1990, my life took an unexpected path. A holiday romance on a beautiful Caribbean island blossomed into something with staying power. I finally met the man I felt was the right one. He was older, twelve years older than me, yet we fell in love. To me, it seemed like a connection made from heaven. My solitary soul suddenly joined with someone else, and I wanted to commit.
Convinced that my biological clock was still ticking at 37, I discussed having a baby with the man of my dreams. But he was not on the same page. He already had two grown-up sons from a previous marriage and explained to me that he didn’t want any more children.
I slowly came around
At first, I was devastated. I felt rejected and a little resentful. But I knew I had to change my thinking, as it was the only way to move forward. I took a step back, accepted that not having kids was not my first choice, and reflected instead on what I did want for myself and my future husband.
In other words, I shifted my way of thinking, removed the factors that were causing anxiety and pain, and replaced them with more meaningful ones.
Yes, I could still have joy and fulfillment in my life, they were just going to look a bit different. Striving for a healthy, committed relationship was number one on my list.
With that in mind, I knew I shouldn’t dwell on the stress of what-if situations I didn’t have control over. I counted my blessings, mindful that there were many, and discovered that love and commitment mattered most of all to me.
My family formed in other ways
When my husband and I got married, I discovered something powerful: Life gets better with sharing. I set out to form meaningful relationships with each member of my new family, knowing that it might take time. Luckily, I never felt left out or saw myself as an outsider.
With the grandchildren, I’ve had a chance to explore the practical side of being a grandmother. I built a strong relationship with the parents and enjoy having their children around during the holidays and throughout the year.
Family gatherings continue to be joyful moments that I am happy and grateful to be a part of.
Embracing and appreciating the life I have
After more than 30 years of marriage, I’m grateful for the place I am in. Although I admire the responsibility of parenting and the sense of fulfillment it brings, I have no apologies or regrets about not having biological children of my own. In hindsight, I wish I had had this larger version earlier, and I didn’t spend so much time on the what-if factor of our relationship.
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