Dear For Love & Money,
I started dating someone six months ago. It’s been fast, but we’re both in our 30s, and I believe that when you know, you know. We plan to move in together this fall, and I’m excited; not only will I be able to hang out with my best friend around the clock, but we’ve also agreed that after this, the next step is an engagement and marriage.
Then, a few days ago, we were having a conversation about all the important things couples should be on the same page about, when my boyfriend confessed that he has over $100,000 in debt.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve been financially responsible my entire adult life, and while I don’t want to see debt as a dealbreaker, and I wouldn’t break up with him over it, a part of me wants nothing to do with his debt. Also, I worry about what this says about his financial habits. I still want to marry him, though. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Want the guy, but not his debt
Dear Want,
We all love the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, with the endless fresh inside jokes, best behavior, and butterflies. Few things zap the glow as quickly as hard conversations about debt. Talking about money is difficult and awkward, which is why so many people avoid doing so for as long as possible, even after marriage.
In this regard, you’re ahead of many couples — bravo! The way the two of you chose to have this conversation despite its potential to ruin everything tells me you both have integrity and common sense. You’ve done your due diligence, but due diligence doesn’t stop with the research phase. Now that you have this information, you must decide how to address it.
In my eyes, there are three ways you can respond to your boyfriend’s debt.
First, you can break up. If debt is a dealbreaker for you, it just is, and that’s OK.
Based on your letter, it sounds like that’s not an option you’d like to choose, though. Your emphasis on marriage is understandable; you’re in your 30s, you’ve likely watched most of your friends get married, and you may feel it’s time to tick the marriage box yourself. When an amazing man walks into your life who loves you and is on the same page as you about marriage, you may feel the box is as good as ticked. Dumping him now could feel like starting back at zero; understandably, you aren’t eager to do that.
But waiting for the right person is more important than finding someone and forcing the relationship to work. This doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t the right person or that you can’t marry him down the road. But the goal of your relationship right now shouldn’t be marriage; it should be making sure you know what you’re getting into.
And I want to stress that while $100,000 in debt is a significant and scary number, it’s not necessarily irresponsible to marry someone who has it. It would be irresponsible, though, to learn this information, file it away as inconvenient, and continue toward marriage, assuming it will all work out. Based on what you said about wanting “nothing to do with his debt” and worrying what it means about his financial habits, though, that’s not you. In other words, you know a red flag when you see one. And while a red flag means to stop, it doesn’t necessarily mean giving up altogether.
Which brings us to your second option: Rather than sprinting down the aisle, you slow things down and give yourself time to get a stronger read on the situation.
In this case, I think the red flag you’ve spotted is signaling you to take a beat. You’ve only been with this man for six months — you’ve experienced less than half of the major holidays with him. If you’re right and he’s the one, you have a lifetime together ahead of you. What’s another year or two spent getting to know each other, getting his finances in order, and paying attention to his spending habits to make sure you want to share a bank account with him someday?
During that time, ask your boyfriend to walk you through his plan to pay down debt and maintain an open dialogue with you on his progress. On that same note, establish regular conversations about money management with one another. This could look like sharing tips and tricks while actively setting a financial strategy in motion that will eventually allow you to combine finances and build a life together. It will also help you cultivate a healthy rapport and routine around money.
Or finally, you can stick to the plan: Move in together and get married soon after. My sister was with her now-husband only nine months before getting married, and 14 years later, they are one of the happiest couples I know.
But if you do this, I think you need to include set conditions for your boyfriend and future husband. We talk a lot about unconditional love — love that doesn’t know the word “dealbreaker,” love that doesn’t stumble in the face of pain and disappointment, love that has all the information and remains loyal. Sometimes, we even go so far as to say that love with conditions isn’t even love at all.
I disagree. Yes, a parent’s love for their child should be unconditional, but your love for a man you started dating six months ago? There ought to be a few conditions, including that your boyfriend makes a plan to pay off his debt and demonstrates his ability to follow through on it before you tie the knot. This should include proving his financial competence by not actively accruing more debt. Keeping your finances separate for a while, even as you combine the rest of your lives, may also offer you peace of mind.
Whatever path you choose, remember there’s nothing wrong with having doubts and expectations. Nor is there anything wrong with wanting to stay with the man you love, even one who isn’t great with money. Sometimes it’s hard to know if you should listen to your head or follow your heart, but you’ll rarely go wrong by remaining honest with yourself about what you need.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
This article was originally published in October 2023.
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