When my son was little, I was afraid of him growing up. I knew it was going to happen and it was the natural order of things for him to leave the nest, but I envisioned myself being sad as I lost my baby boy more and more. My son is 11 now, and our dynamic is changing.
What I feared would be sad actually feels magical. While I had only foresaw what I would lose, like cuddles and storybooks at bedtime, I hadn’t seen what I’d gain, like new more grown up behaviors such as him coming to me for help with an application to join the news crew at school.
I’m starting to look forward, instead of focusing on what’s behind us
As I helped my son fill out that application, I could see the other job and college applications in our future. It felt good to imagine him coming to me for help with those when the time comes. It felt even better to imagine him handling those things well and with confidence one day on his own. I also got to experience the blend of giving him advice but then watching him take that to heart yet still do it in his own way. He would ask me what to write, think about my suggestion, and then form his own response.
That’s when he confided in me what he’d like to do when he grows up, something that has naturally always changed as he has grown up, but this was the first time it felt serious. I thought of times I had shared my own dreams with adults at his age and they weren’t handled tenderly. So I wanted to do better. I didn’t just tell him that I thought he could achieve what he put his mind to. I gave him reasons why I thought he could. It was both difficult and beautiful for me to feel myself letting go of him and allowing him to be who he wants to be.
He deserves to branch out into his own personal life
At first, it made me uncomfortable when I realized that he had a whole life at school with his friends that I know little about. But I’ve grown to welcome it because with his peer relationships, I can see the young adult he’s becoming, and has a right to his own inner self.
He’s starting to get dropped off at birthday parties instead of me going to them with him, and he’s spending time with his friends outside of school more often. While it’s hard for me to experience the distance, I feel honored when he comes home and chooses to share his thoughts and experiences with me. It makes me hopeful that we’ll remain close when he’s an adult.
Our talks feel different, like I’m meeting someone new
I’ve always held conversations with my son and made space in our schedule for him to open up to me if he needed to, but the talks feel different now. I feel like I’m meeting the person he’s becoming, and I find it fascinating. He’s still my son, and he has always gone through dramatic changes growing up, but this is the first time it feels like I’m getting a glimpse of the adult he’s growing into. It makes me really happy that he’s a joy to meet.
When my son was small and as he grew up, people would always tell me to just enjoy certain behaviors while I could. I was always hyper aware that the stages he went through were impermanent and so I did my best to really be present for them. That sentiment to enjoy the time when he was little made me feel like I was going to lose something when he got older. I’m so glad that it feels less like I’ve lost something and more like it’s just changing. I’m gaining different parenting moments, and they are no less sweet than when he was small.
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