This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with a software engineer in New York. She has chosen to remain anonymous due to privacy concerns. Business Insider has verified her identity and place of employment. It’s been edited for length and clarity.
When I walk into a first date as a female software engineer, I expect one of two reactions from the person I’m meeting.
The first is a man so in awe of my career that he crafts an unrealistic caricature of me as his tech dream girl. The other is a man dismissive of my successes because he perceives my wins as a threat to his ego.
Honestly, I don’t know which one’s worse.
I’m 26 now and still holding out for a man who is secure in his identity and sees me for who I am.
The men I encounter are intimidated by my success
While studying computer science in college, I started noticing my career getting in the way of relationships. During my senior year, I already had a post-grad job lined up, but I started dating a fellow computer science major, who was still on the job hunt. I went out of my way to help him find opportunities, apply for jobs, and prepare for interviews.
As graduation loomed, I received an unexpected text from him saying he was ending our relationship because he didn’t have time to prioritize me.
I thought maybe he meant he needed to focus on finding a job, but he later texted, “You have a job offer, and I don’t. Sorry.”
This trend of awe-turned-intimidation from men continued into my professional career.
Tech guys tend to minimize my accomplishments
I’ve typically met men through mutual friends and, more recently, dating apps. Most of the guys I date are also in tech because I love having someone to nerd out with — but it feels like whenever my job comes up, they minimize my successes and pivot away from career conversations.
I remember excitedly telling an ex about a successful presentation I gave at work, to which he immediately diminished the accomplishment, suggesting it only went well because I must’ve made the team laugh.
He knew I sought his praise, and it felt like he intentionally withheld validation until he needed to regain attention or control. He struggled in his tech career then, so I now recognize his dismissal as a reflection of his insecurities. Eventually, I broke up with him when I was exhausted from being put down all the time.
It’s funny because a couple of years later, he reached out to me begging for programming advice and praising my expertise — which was too little, too late.
Unfortunately, a lot of my female friends in tech can relate. I’ve heard multiple instances of men quizzing my friends on dates as a “joke,” but it comes across as a serious dismissal of their intelligence.
I’m not your dream girl
The opposite side of the coin is men who get a little too excited about the idea of dating a woman in tech and treat me like their manic pixie dream girl.
The term usually describes quirky, fictional female characters who “transform a man through whimsical means,” so I never thought it could apply to me. But, one guy in college and several men on dating apps have referred to me as one.
I hate that the term centers on men when my quirks are my genuine way of navigating the world. I’m bubbly and neurodivergent, with a colorful sense of fashion and nerdy interests, and none of those qualities are put on for men.
I don’t like being treated like a rare gem
I briefly went out with this guy who treated me like I was some rare gem. He would pick my brain and marvel at my (arguably generic) responses. For example, he asked me my favorite ice cream flavor and I think I said mint chip. He stared at me in awe as he remarked how unique and different I was from other girls. It was ridiculous.
We kept dating for a few weeks despite being put off by his enthusiasm, but things reached a head when I told him I had landed a new job at a financial institution.
He was beside himself and told me he was upset I wasn’t pursuing my “dream” of gaming. Sure, I enjoyed gaming, but I never said it was my dream. I was young and uncomfortable and laughed it off, telling him I just needed a job to pay my bills.
He seemed extremely disappointed that I didn’t fit this nerdy gamer girl aesthetic he envisioned.
I’m no longer settling for men who don’t accept all of me
I want to clarify that not every man I’ve dated has categorized me unfairly. I’ve had some wonderful relationships in which I felt respected and truly seen. Still, those have ended for issues fairly typical to the modern dating scene, like not being ready to settle down, ghosting, or just fizzling out.
I’d ultimately like to find a serious relationship, but being single is miles more fulfilling than settling into a relationship that doesn’t serve me. I want someone who I connect with deeply and who adds to my already thriving life.
Nowadays, when I go on dates, I’m upfront about my career and success and use it as a litmus test to see if they have preconceived notions about me. I share the pride I have in my career because I know now that a strong relationship is built on celebrating each other’s successes. I won’t settle for someone who doesn’t see and honor me for who I am.
If your career in tech or finance makes it difficult to date and would like to tell your story, please email Tess Martinelli at tmartinelli@businessinsider.com
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