- I moved closer to my daughter, anticipating the arrival of my grandson.
- When he was 4 months old, I received a call that my daughter had unexpectedly died.
- I put my life on hold to help take care of my grandson.
Anticipating retirement as a single mother, I made a major move to be closer to family. Two kids out of college, both married, with the prospect of grandchildren and the ocean close — a side benefit — I could now indulge in personal pursuits, writing fiction.
After two gut-wrenching days of labor, my daughter Kendra gave us Ewan. Beautiful and healthy, his eyes sparkled with knowing wisdom that defied explanation. Savoring the joy after years of uncertainty, I was ecstatic to learn that my son Erik and my daughter-in-law Laura were expecting their first child six months later.
Then, my daughter died
Living minutes away, Kendra and I were in frequent contact as she adjusted to motherhood with the end of her maternity leave in sight. Surprising me one day with a visit, she held this plump-cheeked, 4-month-old delight, and I noted his flirting.
“I’ve never seen him do that,” she replied.
“Here, I’ll hold him so that you can see.” Her glow was immediate as he delivered that coy smile, his head slightly tilted, with his thick lashes and watery blue eyes.
The next day, I received a call at work. Driving the highway at 95 miles an hour, screaming, “Hold on, I’ll be there,” I was too late — by hours. My daughter had died suddenly. The rest is too painful to recount.
I took care of my grandson
Temporarily suspending my job, I focused on Ewan — as I shared the air with my son-in-law Steve, my family, his from Ireland, and their friends, young parents themselves.
Watching my 40-year-old daughter’s world being eviscerated, I inhaled the insensitivity. At times an invisible entity, and in shock, I recalled her heartfelt anguish the day before — that I was the only one she trusted to care for Ewan.
Having firsthand knowledge of Ewan’s world, I temporarily moved in with Steve to share in his 24×7 care. Shutting out the heartless advice to leave this neophyte young father alone, to get over my grief and move on, I would not abandon my daughter’s child.
As a veteran, I also understood the visceral impact of trauma and what Kendra wanted for her child.
Like all sleep-deprived new mothers, I managed the daily routine so that Steve could return to work. Following sprints to day care, diaper bag in tow, I’d head to my job with spit-up on my shoulder, then rejoin the commuting tangle to make the 4:30 p.m. pickup. Our evenings were spent together until Ewan fell asleep, and I would return home alone to a space now outfitted with the requisite baby paraphernalia.
A bright spark ignited our landscape when my granddaughter Matilda and her brother William were born, uplifting our spirits with their precocious charm. From this growing family, new traditions emerged with the weekly Burger Night as we guided Steve back to living.
As reluctant partners, taking our cues from the parents’ poorly crafted playbook, we, over time, adjusted to Ewan’s growing demands, from newborn challenges to toddler exploration. The criticism is still in play, with retirement a necessity.
I went back to writing
Following my son’s suggestion, I returned to my writing. Lost in my characters’ despair and the elation of hard-won victory over injustice, I embedded the life I had wished for myself in their narrative.
With Steve’s remarriage and two energetic babies, my care of Ewan gradually shifted to weekends and daily day care runs. While balancing grandkid sleepovers, picky eaters, cooking lessons, new holiday traditions, and special Grammy days with Matilda and William. Despite the imbalance, with time and maturity, they understood that my relationship with Ewan would need to be different.
After a recent local move, I am pleased that Ewan, now a thriving 13-year-old, still comes every weekend by choice. His future is secure, and his cousins are his best pals. He has blossomed with the loving support of family.
As I sit on the cusp of new dreams — postponed for 13 years — I know that life’s trajectory is not ours to control, despite all we crave, as impermanent as icicles.
While nothing can erase the pain of a child’s passing, my future now includes the warm touch of unconditional love and a new definition of retirement — come what may.
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