At first, I was thrilled when one of my best friends from college invited me to be one of her bridesmaids.
I was in my early 30s at the time, and two years prior, I’d experienced my first adult breakup. I ended a six-year relationship with a man I loved dearly and moved out of our home.
After a year of swiping through the dating apps and enduring a parade of questionable suitors, I’d just started seeing someone I genuinely liked: a fellow journalist who was kind, handsome, and, in many ways, ideal wedding-guest material.
We weren’t yet “serious,” but it was a budding romance. When I asked my friend and her fiancé about bringing him as my date to the wedding, they said no.
They had a rule, one I’ve heard before: Plus-ones were only allowed for serious couples who already lived together or were “heading for marriage.”
They reasoned they didn’t want “random people” in their wedding photos. But if she trusted me enough to stand by her during this important life event, why didn’t she trust me enough to choose a date who wouldn’t photobomb her memories?
Still, I brushed it off since weddings are expensive, and this could just be another way to trim costs. For all I knew, they’d invited a bunch of other single friends that I could bond with over cocktails and the chicken dance.
However, when I asked closer to the big day, the bride confirmed that I’d be the only single guest aside from the ring bearer, who was still in diapers.
It stung to learn that the only other single person at the wedding was a toddler.
Weddings are a social and financial risk even if you limit plus-ones
Having one more “random” person in attendance may not have made all that much of a difference at my friend’s sizable wedding, but it would’ve changed my night for the better.
It can feel alienating it can feel to attend a wedding as a single person in your 30s, surrounded by couples, while fielding questions about your ex and your reproductive plans from nosy but well-meaning relatives.
Although the wedding was lovely, and I’m grateful I got to be a part of it, I also spent a lot of the reception awkwardly pulling on my scratchy bridesmaid dress, feeling like a third wheel in other people’s conversations.
I understand that deciding on plus-one rules can be tricky for couples. Hosting a wedding is a significant financial and social risk, and adding people to the guest list with whom you’re not familiar could increase this risk.
However, even scaling back on plus-ones can’t protect couples from unexpected problems or looking back on their guest list with regret.
Several of the “serious” couples who were invited to the wedding have since broken up or divorced, and in some cases, are no longer on speaking terms with the bride and groom.
Besides, in my experience, it’s often the people closest to the couple who are the most embarrassing, not strangers. I’ve seen the groom’s mom give a way-too-personal speech about her son and even a drunk uncle use the toast hour to belt out his favorite Elvis tunes.
On my special day, I’d much rather my friend bring a date I don’t know than be subjected to an uncle’s whiskey-laden rendition of “Fools Fall in Love.”
Offering plus-ones is about more than etiquette — it’s about inclusion
This whole experience only reaffirmed my belief that if a couple is giving out plus-ones, all adults should get one — no exceptions — and certainly no vetting relationships for “seriousness.”
It may not be cheap, but it’s a small price to pay to ensure everyone feels welcome. If this isn’t financially feasible, maybe couples should scale back their guest list.
In the years since my friend’s nuptials, I’ve come out as queer, and my stance on plus-ones has only become stronger.
Queer relationships don’t necessarily follow the same milestones as heterosexual ones. What may be deemed “unserious” to outsiders could be your guest’s most important person.
Flash forward to two years ago when a different friend invited me to her wedding. I was single at the time, and after my previous experience, I wasn’t expecting a plus-one. She offered one anyway and told me I could bring anyone, even just a friend.
I ended up going solo and having a great time. But the invitation? It made all the difference.
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