This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Henry Butler, who is a prostate cancer survivor. He lives in the UK with his wife, where they run a wine shop together. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
When I found out I might have prostate cancer, I was on holiday with my family, sitting on a boat.
I remember getting the phone call from my doctor saying that my PSA levels were slightly above what they should be for my age, and I should come in for more tests because it might be cancer.
So that was fun.
When I got back, I returned to the doctor and got an internal examination with the finger up the backside. That’s when he said my prostate didn’t feel right on one side.
I wish I hadn’t had so many treatment options
I was diagnosed with early-stage prostate cancer in 2019 at age 49. I’d been taking antibiotics for a sinus infection, and suddenly started getting a lot of painful UTIs.
I never prioritized doctor visits before that, but my wife insisted I schedule an appointment. Thank goodness she did.
After my doctor felt my prostate, everything was fast-tracked. I had an MRI and two biopsies. My Gleason score, which measures how aggressive the cancer is, was around three or four — high enough to consider treatment.
I was given loads of options. I sort of expected the medical experts to tell me what treatment I should have, but it was the reverse. They said this needed to be my journey, and I had to choose.
In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t had all the options. My wife and I investigated them all, and I still wasn’t sure which was the right one.
Then, one day, I was in the hospital, and a urologist who had bought wine from us a couple of years back recognized me.
We got to talking, and he was the first doctor I really warmed to. He told me straight up, “You’ve got cancer and we need to deal with it.” On hearing that, I just thought, “You’re the man.”
We discussed the various options and ultimately decided to go with surgery.
I chose to cut out the cancer
In spring 2020, I had a prostatectomy. The doctor said I was going to feel like I’d been hit by a train after the surgery, and he was right. Getting back on track wasn’t easy and took a full year.
Aside from the pain post-surgery, which got a little better each week, I had issues with incontinence and couldn’t get an erection. This didn’t make me feel like less of a man, though. I accepted that if there were changes, then I’d deal with it, and it would be fine.
I’ve got a friend who doesn’t want any treatment because I think he’s worried about how it would change him as a man. So he just monitors his PSA levels, but is constantly worried.
Physically, I’m back to normal
I struggled with incontinence during that first year post-surgery, but now I hardly think about it.
Sex was something my wife and I had to get used to, again. Part of my recovery involved taking Viagra every day for a year to help get everything back in working order.
My wife was worried about hurting me at first, and I was also nervous, but we got there eventually.
Physically, I’m almost completely back to normal, thanks to the incredible care I received and diligently following the recovery guidelines, like regularly walking, doing Kegel exercises, and staying positive.
However, this experience has changed my life.
My life is different after treatment
I started therapy for the first time in my life. A friend signed me up because I had the cancer thing going on, I had a couple of friends who had died, and business was struggling.
Turns out, I loved therapy. Off the back of that, I’m now in a men’s group.
Before all this, the thought of joining a men’s group sounded horrific. I didn’t want to sit around with a bunch of men and talk about, I don’t know, stuff. But it has been super rewarding.
You quickly realize that everyone’s had something going on — it’s not always cancer, it can be another form of trauma. We talk about masculinity and how you deal with trauma mentally, and how you communicate with each other. That’s been a really good way of making connections with people.
I think that’s a big thing that’s changed in me. I’m better at keeping connections and being more open with my emotional side, which can be upsetting sometimes, but the benefits far outweigh the negatives. You get a lot back from people if you’re vulnerable.
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