When my son was still under 5, I worked at the local library. In my free time, my son was basically my best buddy. My supervisor at the time had teenagers, so she was in a different parenting stage than I was.
I remember her saying that the secret to keeping her kids close was to drive them around as much as possible. This kept her kids talking to her and enabled her to maintain close relationships with them.
She was so right with her advice.
My son is now a tween
My son just turned 12, and the shift from boy to teenager seems to have happened overnight. He is becoming more independent and less talkative — with me, but not his social circle.
I know it’s the natural order of things for him to spread his wings and to push back a bit against me. But sometimes I just really miss my best buddy and all the fun we had spending time together when he was little. Now, when he’s home from school, he’s often in his room talking on the phone with his friends or playing games online with them.
I think my former boss’s wisdom stuck with me, because the idea of my son growing up and not wanting to talk to me scared me. I’ve come to realize that driving my son around whenever I get the chance is basically priceless. Right now, drives with him are primarily to and from school, but during football or basketball seasons, all of the practices and games really add up. This year, sixth grade has really felt like a turning point, because I’ve noticed an increase in invites to parties, hangouts, and sleepovers.
I realize that as he gets older, these social outings will only increase. And then one day, when he’s closer to age 16, he’ll likely have a part-time job to add to his schedule. As long as he doesn’t have a car, I know I’ll be his main source of transportation. Instead of dreading, I know these are actually the hidden opportunities, like diamonds in the rough, to remain connected to him as he grows up.
It’s best to allow our conversations to flow naturally
I never try to force a topic on him, because I have found that it’s not the best timing for discipline-based or serious talks. I’m sure he feels trapped, so he shuts down, and it ruins the safe space I’m trying to develop out of our car rides. Allowing the conversation to flow organically is when he’ll surprise me and ask me something random or open up about something that’s been bothering him.
Even if he doesn’t open up every time, I know I’m giving him the space to do so. Often, after a few minutes of being stuck in the car together, one of us will start talking about something. I think having the music on and sightseeing on our way everywhere gives our brains distractions and talking points. It feels like the car is sometimes the white flag zone, where we stop arguing and start talking again.
While he’s mostly reserved, there are other times when he’s more open and chatty, and I just let him vent and do my best to listen. It’s likely therapeutic to have someone who will just listen to him at his age, but it might also be easier for him to open up to me side-by-side instead of face-to-face. Knowing there’s an endpoint, such as knowing we’ll be at his school in five minutes, likely helps too.
I hope I’m also sending him the message that I won’t stop showing up
Willingly taking him everywhere he needs to go daily, I think, is communicating to him that I’m not going to stop showing up for him. That no matter how tense things may be at times between us, I’m going to continue to be there for all of it.
I think it reassures him that I’m not going to give up on my job as his mom, even when things get tough. I’ll be sitting there in silence if that’s what he needs, but the message I hope to send him is: I’m still here.
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