I sensed there could be tension as soon as I stepped into the beautiful vacation home my parents-in-law had kindly rented for our big family holiday.
“‘Isn’t it a wonderful view?” my mother-in-law said, looking out at the sparkling sea.
“Lots of glass around though — wouldn’t it be awful if the children ran into it and cut themselves?”
And with that, I felt unexpected anxiety creep over me.
There were multiple parenting styles in the same house
Of course, the trip wasn’t all bad. My husband and our two children, Lando, 2, and Minna, 4, were spending a week on the southern coast of England with his brother and sister-in-law and their two children, 8 and 9. Their parents — both 73 — were also along for the ride.
Watching my children cuddling up to their beloved grandparents and reading stories or attempting to learn board games filled me with joy.
It was a full, and mainly happy house, but with three different sets of parents in one place, inevitable differences in parenting styles soon became apparent.
It was hard for me to relax at times
The rental property was amazing, but I was constantly conscious of the many white throws, rugs, and sofas — decidedly not child-friendly — that were dotted around, at odds with my somewhat grubby children.
This led to a lot of wincing on the part of the grandparents, who were worried that the kids would leave sticky finger marks all over them. Their worry meant that instead of relaxing, I spent most of my time running around, trying to wipe jam, satsuma, or grease off their fingers.
It also seemed like whenever I sat down for a cup of coffee or to do some mindless scrolling for a minute, a grandparent would ask, “Should Lando be climbing the stairs by himself?”
It wasn’t really a question, so much as an assertion that they weren’t comfortable with his adventurous activities, and that they wanted me or my husband to stop him. I knew they were simply concerned about his safety and didn’t think they could reach him in time to prevent an accident, but it made me feel they thought I wasn’t taking his safety seriously, though I knew he was perfectly capable.
And my nieces are older and therefore allowed more freedom and responsibility, but when we went out to a restaurant with a garden and the kids were playing out of sight, I couldn’t quite relax.
My husband has a more relaxed attitude toward supervising the kids, and it didn’t quite feel fair to ask his brother or sister-in-law to take turns watching, since their kids aren’t the ones in need of observation. This left me torn between hovering nearby to watch the kids and sitting in my chair, twitching anxiously, while also feeling silly about it.
Families also know exactly how to push each other’s buttons, and can often fall back into familiar patterns from childhood, as I realized when I came across my husband and his mother having a heated discussion over who was responsible for a soaking bathmat (spoiler alert: it was my husband).
I was mostly able to laugh off minor stresses and strains, but there was one afternoon when I did end up hiding in the tiny, tucked-away laundry room. All four kids were on a rampage, and in that moment, I was desperately craving peace and just a few minutes where no one was touching me.
My husband was napping, my sister-in-law was swimming, and my parents-in-law clearly wanted a bit of quiet time, too, but after having big ice creams, the children weren’t playing ball. I took a minute, pulled myself together, and stepped back out to gently defuse the growing agitation and direct my energetic children outside.
In the end, we did have a beautiful time together
As the days went on, we shared wonderful experiences together. We spotted seals in the sea, visited beautiful harbours, and enjoyed drinks in the sun — and as we did so, we started to unwind and be more accommodating toward each other.
During two evenings, my parents-in-law took charge after we’d put the children to bed, so my husband and I could walk down to the harbour with his brother and sister-in-law. We had a wonderful, relaxed time — the sort of evening we rarely manage at home with few available babysitters around us.
On one rainy afternoon, I watched my father-in-law teach his grandchildren to play backgammon while the other adults relaxed; it was a masterclass in kindness and patience. And one lunchtime, when we were eating in a wonderful restaurant together, my children took turns spilling drinks and demanding to go to the bathroom. I was apologizing on repeat when my mother-in-law said, “Oh Alex, it doesn’t matter.” Her declaration gave me permission to relax — and maybe consider I was overthinking things.
Having time with children, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents together is absolutely precious — even if, yes, some things drove me a little nuts. Will we do it again? Yes. Have I learnt how to bite my tongue and nod? Also yes!
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