A few months ago, I was talking to my 20-year-old daughter and found myself saying, “You know what you should do?”
Before I could finish, I had an almost painful flashback. I remembered so many times when people have told me what I should do, even though I did not ask them. Their unsolicited advice annoyed me every time.
My big problem is that while my kids have matured to the point of needing less advice, I haven’t grown out of wanting to give it. In my defense, I spent about 15 years talking all four of them through a lot of the basics. Sometimes it’s been a struggle for me to move on from parenting little kids to parenting older teens and young adults.
Parenting little kids means constant instructions
When my four kids were little, they needed a lot of advice and instructions. Anyone who’s had a toddler knows you need to walk them through the steps of getting ready to go somewhere, teach them how to be safe, and instruct them on so many other things.
When my kids were in preschool, I had to give each of them the steps to get up and out of the house in the morning. And of course, as kids age, they get better at learning for themselves what to do and when to do it.
As they get older, the urge to tell them what to do isn’t helpful anymore
The day I was tempted to tell my daughter what she should do, I literally stopped mid-sentence. Then I yelled, “Wait, no!” I apologized and told her that I was going to try not to “should” her anymore. She eyed me suspiciously because she knows me well. We both know this is a hard thing for me to promise.
I am trying, though. In this case, instead of continuing with advice, I asked some questions — not for my own information but to try to clarify the situation for her. In the end, she came to her own conclusion.
That’s my new goal when my kids talk to me about work, school, or other issues. I try to understand their struggles and what they want to accomplish without jumping in with my own opinion. I want them to know that I trust them to make important decisions on their own.
I’ll always be here for encouragement and even advice when they ask for it. But the key is to be asked.
The hardest part of parenting older kids is realizing I don’t have the answers
I’m also realizing that, even if my kids loved it when I gave them advice as they grew into adulthood, it’s not the best thing for them. They need to begin figuring things out on their own. My husband and I need to transition to being supportive and loving, but no longer telling them what to do all the time.
And honestly, my advice isn’t always right anyway. My oldest son is living on his own and working in an industry I’m not familiar with. I don’t know his coworkers, either. It’s silly to think I can give him solid work advice, although sometimes I still try. I can see how some of my advice to my kids could be pretty terrible because I’m not them. They have more information about their own lives than I do.
Beyond that, my instinct is to protect them. I might give them guidance that keeps them safe and secure and close to their mother forever and ever. But that’s not helpful. They need to move out and try new things and sometimes even fail, and if it were up to me, I’d save them from all of that.
Sometimes the best way to help them is to step back and let them figure things out for themselves.
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