This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Elliot Marsh. It has been edited for length and clarity.
When I found out my wife and I were having a little girl following IVF, I was absolutely delighted. We had spent years hoping to have a baby, and would finally be welcoming one into our family.
While over the moon to be expecting a girl, I also felt I was entering the unknown. Growing up, it was just my brother and me. My brother went on to have boys, so all I knew were boys.
Raising a girl was a mystery to me, but also an adventure I couldn’t wait for.
I love being a girl dad
She’s 3 now, and I’m loving being a girl dad, but I don’t have a clue what I’m doing a lot of the time.
Without any pressure or pushing from us, she has grown to love ballet, Peppa Pig, fairies, princesses, dresses that twirl, and cute hairstyles. I know it’s just the start of her interests diverging from mine.
I don’t know much about her current or future interests, but I want to be able to fully share in her excitement for them. I want her to feel she can talk to me about anything — for her to know I care about what she cares about.
More seriously, as she ages, gets her period, has a boyfriend, and deals with any number of issues that will come her way, I want to already have a line of communication open between the two of us. I don’t want her to feel at all embarrassed to talk to me.
But it isn’t only for her that I want this relationship; it’s for me, too. I want to have a strong connection with my daughter, and I know that starts now.
I joined a group of dads to learn how to do my daughter’s hair
In April, I saw an advertisement on social media for “Pints and Ponytails.” At face value, it’s about dads learning how to do their daughters’ hair — ponytails and braids. It looked like fun and would be a valuable skill for me to learn. If I could do my daughter’s hair, I’d take an interest in what was important to her and get a chance to have a chat with her in the process.
I showed up at a private room in a pub, and there were 20 mannequins on the tables. Each dad had a drink as we sat down, and the guys hosting it showed how to do various braids.
While learning to braid was valuable, it wasn’t the best part of the evening. What I appreciated most was having a space to talk about being a dad with other dads.
I got to chat with other dads about parenting
There were a few guided questions to get conversations started. I remember one question being: What’s the most difficult thing about being a parent? Most of us said we felt we were spread too thin. We have to be everything to everybody all the time — to be a good husband, son, parent, employer, employee, provider, and so on. Amid those roles, we start to feel lost as individuals.
We discussed aspects of parenting we loved most, and the cultural movement we are seeing — that dads desperately want to be active and involved as parents. Dads are showing up for their kids — for their daughters — and we need spaces to speak about the joys and the challenges, and about our feelings as we parent.
I had never had a context like this to talk so freely with other dads. It was an intentional, lighthearted, fun, constructive night — that’s why it works so well for dads. It’s the perfect format to connect with guys.
Since that night, I’ve been doing my daughter’s hair nearly every day. She’s jumping all over the place when I do it — the trick is to keep her still — but I can do the double ponytail and the braid now.
It’s a lovely bonding moment we share every day, and one I hope continues for years, building a foundation that will help our relationship last forever.
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