This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Lena Koropey, 48, whose mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Koropey’s mother currently lives with her, but Koropey plans to build an ADU in her backyard and move into it. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease 10 years ago, and her condition has gradually progressed. It’s definitely getting harder each year.
I’m Ukrainian American, and in our culture, there is a strong understanding that family members care for one another. So, although my mother has a live-in caregiver, I oversee her care and well-being — she let me know early on that that was her wish.
In many ways, it feels like carrying on a family tradition. Years ago, when my grandparents became ill, my mother moved into their Long Island home and became their sole caregiver. I am grateful to do the same for her.
In 2020, after years of searching, I purchased a home for us in Mattituck, on the North Fork of Long Island. I have fond memories of visiting my grandparents on the island as a child, and I always knew I wanted a home there someday.
The North Fork is close to New York City, where I work, and was already familiar to my mother, so it felt like the right place for us.
Moving farther east has improved her quality of life. She’s still active, and here, she has more elbow room to walk around — her favorite activity — enjoy nature, and feel safe and comfortable in a peaceful environment.
We plan to build an ADU in the backyard
I paid $550,000 for our three-bedroom, two-bathroom ranch-style home. The three bedrooms are for my mother, her caregiver, and me.
The house is relatively small — about 1,300 square feet — but its single-story layout makes it easier for my mother to get around without having to navigate stairs. It also has a fenced-in yard, which keeps her safe.
The property’s biggest appeal, however, is its half-acre of land. I didn’t know exactly what the future would bring, so having that additional space and flexibility was important to me.
I’ve spent a lot of time considering whether our current living arrangement will continue to meet our needs as my mother’s condition progresses.
Over the years, I’ve created spreadsheets and mapped out various scenarios, including building a small cottage or an accessory dwelling unit (ADU) on our property, moving to another house, or, as a last resort, placing my mother in a care facility.
For now, we’ve decided to build an ADU. Once construction is complete, I plan to move into it so my mother can remain in the familiar surroundings of the main house with her caregiver.
Building an ADU can be a complicated process
Building an ADU has been a long and complicated process, and we’ve already spent several years planning it. It’s almost like building another house, with many things to consider, like zoning requirements, permits, and the septic system.
We’ve met with several architects and builders. We haven’t broken ground yet, but the design we’re considering is a 750-square-foot home with two bedrooms and one bathroom — essentially a small apartment.
Accessibility is a major priority. We want the ADU to be as close to ground level as possible, with minimal stairs. The space would be ADA-compliant, with doorways, hallways, and a bathroom wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair and allow a caregiver to assist someone comfortably.
This is a major investment for us. We anticipate construction costs of about $550 per square foot, bringing the total to about $450,000. That is a rounded-up estimate, since projects like this often cost more than expected.
Although it will be expensive, I believe it will be worth it. Having everyone on the same property is enormously valuable. You can’t really put a price on that sense of community, the bond of family, or the ability to support one another.
There’s no perfect solution, but this works for us
Caring for an aging parent, especially one with an illness, can take a physical and emotional toll. You simply do the best you can.
For some families, that may mean choosing a care facility. I have friends and relatives who have had positive experiences with that option. Others, like me, choose to help their parents age in place.
As a real estate agent, I see more people planning for these difficult decisions long before they need to make them.
Some families purchase entire buildings so their children, parents, cousins, and other relatives can live near one another — almost like a family compound. Some of my older clients with one-bedroom apartments are looking for two-bedroom units so they will have enough space for a future caregiver.
I’ve also seen more builders designing homes with separate wings, cottages, or private living quarters for family members.
My mother and I have always been very close. She’s my best friend, and she did so much for me growing up. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to honor her wish to remain surrounded by the people she loves.
There is no perfect solution, but my property gives me the flexibility to adapt our living arrangement as her needs change and, ultimately, to care for her at home for as long as possible.
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