This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Mary Jane Copps, a communication coach known as “The Phone Lady.” Copps has spent two decades coaching people at the workplace on how to be better communicators. The essay has been edited for length and clarity.
I’ve been “The Phone Lady” for 20 years.
When I started my company, phone anxiety wasn’t something my clients talked about. Companies hired me to help their teams have better conversations, and for the first 12 years, those conversations mostly happened over the phone.
About eight to 10 years ago, that changed.
Today, I coach people of every generation who struggle with real-time conversations. I see it most often among younger employees entering the workforce, and the issue is more complicated than it seems.
The hardest part is uncertainty
People’s reasons for phone anxiety can be deeply personal.
I worked with one man who grew up in a family that struggled financially. Whenever the phone rang, his mother refused to answer because it was usually someone they owed money to. He learned early that answering the phone meant trouble.
That’s something I hear over and over again. People aren’t afraid of talking. They’re afraid of not knowing what will happen after they say hello.
One of the biggest reasons we don’t get practice handling uncertainty anymore is that our phones aren’t really phones anymore — they’re computers.
When you send a text or an email, you can think about it, edit it, and reply whenever you’re ready. In a phone conversation, you have to improvise. You have to think on your feet. Once you’ve said something, you can’t take it back.
Older generations developed that skill naturally because they grew up with a phone hanging on the kitchen wall, but the younger generation didn’t.
With the rise of social media, we’re kind of in silos. We’re not all watching the same news program in the evening. We have less in common when we meet a stranger. That prevents us from having conversations.
So talking became a skill instead of something we assume everyone knows how to do.
The conversation gap
Every year, I survey executives about workplace communication.
This past year, 98% of senior executives told me that the ability to have real-time conversations is vital to business success. Only 11% believed their organizations were doing it effectively.
I call that the conversation gap.
I also found that many tech companies want employees with strong communication skills, but aren’t interested in training them. Instead, they’re hoping to hire people who already have those abilities.
That’s a problem because communication is often dismissed as a “soft skill.” The term actually comes from the military in the 1960s, where organizational skills, writing, and speaking were labeled “soft,” while operating machinery was considered “hard.”
Unfortunately, the label makes communication sound optional when it’s actually essential.
Leaders set the tone. If executives don’t model good conversations or encourage real-time communication, their teams won’t either. Organizations need to make it clear that these skills matter and that employees will be supported if they need help developing them.
How to practice
The good news is that conversation is a skill, and skills can be learned.
Start with people you already know. Call your grandmother. Call your sister. If you’re used to texting your friends, spend one weekend calling them instead. You might want to warn them first, so they actually answer.
When you’re with friends, put your phone away. Focus on the conversation instead of constantly checking your screen.
Then start practicing small talk.
Many people dislike it, but when you begin a new job, attend a conference, or walk into a meeting, small talk is everywhere. Keep a few simple topics in your back pocket — vacations, movies, the weather — so you can practice having conversations without worrying about achieving a specific outcome.
One young salesperson I coached later told me he started using the techniques I’d taught at home with his wife. They began asking each other more open-ended questions over dinner, and he said it improved their marriage.
That’s because conversation doesn’t just make us better employees. It makes us better partners, friends, and family members.
I don’t think we should point fingers at younger generations. Technology has changed all of us. We’re overwhelmed, overscheduled, and constantly distracted. We even schedule phone calls with close friends and family because everyone is so busy.
If we want better relationships — at work and at home — we have to make time to practice talking to each other again.
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