I’ve attempted to move abroad several times, even acquiring visas, but I always ended up back in New York.
When I decided to have a baby on my own, I put that dream aside. I figured that if I couldn’t do it as a single 30-something, it didn’t seem feasible as a single mom.
So, I was as surprised as anyone when, three months after having my daughter, I booked a flight to Berlin — and haven’t returned.
Making a plan
The first month of my daughter’s life was a blur. I was exhausted and happy; having her felt like a new lease on life. I couldn’t imagine going back to work anytime soon. I didn’t really have work to go back to anyway; I’m a freelancer, and didn’t have anything new lined up.
Still, I received 12 weeks of paid family leave and planned to look for work when that ended.
Then, a friend helped me land a teaching job. That was in October; the job would start the next September. I decided I’d take care of my daughter full time until her first birthday in August, living off savings, and then I’d start teaching.
Changing the plan
I loved my plan, but there were things I hadn’t considered. First, being a full-time mom in Brooklyn, where few people are full-time parents, is isolating. I realized this when my fellow new moms went back to work.
Second, developing a new identity is hard; doing it in the shadow of my former life felt even harder. With a partner, I might’ve been able to maintain a semblance of normal by taking turns leaving the house. As a single mom, this wasn’t an option.
There was no popping out for yoga, coffee, or anything. This hit me hardest when my daughter started falling asleep around 7:30 p.m., and I’d be home alone for the entire night, every night. Friends would come over, but by the time they got off work, I was exhausted and wanted to sleep.
Brooklyn started to feel different. Trying to find flexible, occasional childcare proved too difficult, and living in a fourth-floor walkup, too complicated. When I left the stroller downstairs, my building superintendent said it would probably get stolen. I debated moving closer to family, but I felt more resigned to it than excited about it.
In early December, when my daughter was three months old, I changed my plan. If I were going to take a year of maternity leave, I’d take it in a place where everyone takes it. I’d take it in Europe.
Finding childcare in Berlin
I looked all over Europe for reliable, flexible, affordable childcare, and found a coworking spot with hourly day care in Berlin. It happened to be in the neighborhood where a friend lives.
I realized I could get a round-trip flight, an Airbnb, and two hours of day care per day for the cost of my monthly rent in Brooklyn.
Finding a subletter and packing my apartment were easy. By then, I understood that babies don’t need nearly as much as we’re led to believe. I stayed home long enough to get my daughter’s six-month vaccines. Then, with two carry-on suitcases and a stroller, we left.
Better than I dreamed
After decades of thinking about moving abroad, it was simple. I booked an Airbnb with a crib, and I bought travel health insurance. I’m figuring out the rest as I go.
Berlin is livable in a way that feels intentional. Many parents are home for the first year, so places are designed for parents and kids. When we go on walks, it’s all new to me, and that’s good for my mental health, as is meeting and connecting with new people.
At home, I kept seeing what I can’t do anymore; here, I see possibilities everywhere. And at night, it doesn’t feel like I’m missing anything because I don’t have anything to miss. I don’t feel lonely; I feel more in tune with my daughter.
A week after arriving, the September teaching job was canceled due to budget cuts. I was disappointed, but soon saw this as an opportunity: I’m here, I like it, and now I can stay. I applied for a visa and planned trips to Denmark, Finland, and Spain, just to make sure Berlin really is where I want to live.
Maybe we’re here for a year, maybe longer. For now, I’m just enjoying being in a new place and being here with her.
Read the full article here
