My husband and I adopted three children within four years, and then about three years after, we adopted a fourth child. At the time, it felt like we worked from dawn until, well, all through the night.
When my oldest was born, it felt like there was a big push in parenting circles to put young children in structured activities so they could be exposed to music, gross motor movement, language, and fine motor skills from their earliest days. I have noticed that this — what I thought would be a trend — has never let up.
I resisted, at first. But eventually, in order to meet other moms, and for our children to be “well socialized,” I reluctantly enrolled her, then 3, in a ballet and tap class. From there, the classes, activities, and commitments seem to pile on.
Looking back, I’m not convinced the time, money, and effort it all took was really worth it.
These commitments are exhausting
While my daughter was in dance, I became very good friends with someone I’m still friends with to this day, and I’m grateful for that. However, I remember on multiple occasions, as the sun began to sink behind the trees at our home, I would load my toddler and infant into our family car to head across town to the dance studio, while I fought back yawns the entire 10-minute commute.
I would sit in the waiting room with all the other exhausted moms. Some would be gossiping, others would try to read a book or watch their child through the observation window, and then there were the others, like me, juggling a fussy, tired, hungry infant while trying to support their older sibling. It was a lot.
As the years passed, more activities piled on
I didn’t let the difficulties of juggling multiple responsibilities deter me. When my oldest turned 4, she joined a basketball team. Every Saturday morning, bright and early, our then family of five would head to a carpeted church gym to cheer on my daughter and the team of boys she played with. The fact is, a lot of the thrill of even the youngest kids in structured activities comes from parents who are more competitive and engaged than the children.
I’ll never forget enrolling my son, our third child, in a class called Ninja Warrior. I made another dear friend, which was the only thing that kept me coming back week after week. My son and her daughter would joyfully run around the gym, always ending up in the foam pit, while the other kids sat politely during circle time, stretching and singing preschool songs to warm up for their ninja adventures. To this day, we joke about how appalling and embarrassing circle time was for us.
I then enrolled one of my sons in soccer, and my husband, with zero experience, signed up to help coach. My son ended up hating soccer. Frankly, I don’t think he learned anything valuable from the experience either.
Meanwhile, I’d cart the other kids to and from the wet, cold soccer field to cheer him on every Saturday morning, no matter what. The observing kids would complain about being hungry, the temperature, and being “sooo bored.” I couldn’t blame them. I was fairly miserable myself, and my son didn’t kick the ball once during the entire season.
We found alternatives that worked for us
I discovered that taking my kids to library story time (which ended with a bubble machine party), the park, and our local children’s museum was far more fun for them and far less stressful for me than other organized activities that are usually much more costly.
The more structure, the more dysregulated they became, resulting in no learning but plenty of tears. A child’s job, arguably, is to play. It is what they do best, and, in my observation, how they learn the most.
I eventually learned my lesson. By the time baby number four was preschool age, she’d been enrolled in a whopping zero activities. I held out for a long time and didn’t enroll her in beginner gymnastics until she turned 7. She took two classes, and now, even though she is 8, still prefers more open activities like indoor rock climbing and roller skating with friends.
My older children, all teens now, have chosen more structured, serious activities. One is in color guard, one is in basketball, and one is in wrestling. These activities are more successful simply because my kids are committed to their sports and crave to learn from their coaches and teammates. The motivation is from them — not me, like when I was desperate to manage those early days of motherhood.
The stress of making sure my kids grow up to be “well-rounded” is gone. They are blossoming into their own people, and I get the honor of watching, not pushing, and certainly not fearing that I’m not a good enough mom.
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