Dear For Love & Money,
My older sister has been an addict for the last fifteen years. I grew up in the shadow of her recovery/relapse cycle. My parents spent all their time and money trying to get her help, leaving nothing for me.
Now I am making good money and have a family of my own. I’m doing well despite the many ways my sister has made my path in life difficult. She’s wiped my parents out, but they’re still desperate to help her.
They have now asked me to contribute to her rehab stays twice. The first time, I gave them what they asked for, but this time I’m not so sure. She’s been in and out of rehab so many times, I’m not hopeful it’s going to work; she and I aren’t even close, and I kind of want to do for myself what my parents never did: I want to look out for my family and me first.
At what point am I allowed to say no without it being a betrayal of my family?
Sincerely,
Bad Sister
Dear Bad Sister,
I want you to imagine me taking your hands in mine and looking into your eyes as I answer your question. When are you allowed to say no? Always. You are always allowed to say no.
And this assurance is coming from me, a loud and proud advocate of family loyalty who has a wall hanging in my house that reads, “We always show up for family.”
Saying no in this case is not a betrayal of your family, and it certainly doesn’t make you a bad sister, because you are putting your now-family, which includes yourself, first. Your partner, kids, pets, friends who feel like siblings — whoever makes up that family you mentioned building for yourself in recent years — they are your family now, too.
Of course, your family of origin will always play an important role in your life, but you have other responsibilities now.
In case you’re anything like me, and the guilt you feel over saying “no” outweighs the opinions of a random columnist who seems like she may just be telling what you want to hear, I went ahead and called Anna Berin, a licensed mental health counselor with a doctorate in Clinical Psychology.
As we discussed your letter, she told me that this isn’t a substance abuse issue, or even a sibling issue; it’s an issue of disentangling you from your parents’ anxieties over your sister and realigning your family’s expectations.
She returned relentlessly to a single theme: you are not your sister’s mother, and you are not your parents’ teammate. By being asked for money for your sister’s rehab, Berin says you are being parentified. Not only do you have every right to say no, but your parents never had a right to ask this of you in the first place.
It’s no wonder you feel overlooked in favor of your sister’s struggles. You haven’t been allowed to exist in your family as a daughter or younger sibling, only as another member of the task force for saving your sister.
Berin recommends that you and your parents enter family therapy to address this dynamic. Berin calls the way things are in your family now a significant breakdown in your family boundaries. With your parents and sister, you should get to be a daughter and a sibling, not another parent.
That said, Berin noted there are other ways you can show up for your sister, as a sister. You can be a social support, reinforce that she is loved, and she’ll always have you in her corner. Anything beyond being an emotional resource — including giving money — however, shatters any chance you have for functioning with your parents and your sister in a healthy, happy dynamic.
While I don’t think it’s fair that your parents have consistently placed your sister’s addiction issues at the center of your family life, often at your expense, I also understand why they do it. When you’re terrified for your daughter’s life, and your other child appears to be thriving, it’s natural to prioritize the crisis. As for your sister, her road to recovery is steep. She’s on a difficult journey you’ve had to witness up close.
Your family’s fears and fixations have little to do with you, which is a lonely type of luck. The key is for your family to recenter around affection and connection, not your sister’s struggles. Because as long as your parents treat you like a silent partner rather than their daughter who also needs support, or your sister’s sister, none of you will get to have a family where everyone feels loved and supported.
Every family is different, and those differences shape how we see the world and what we expect of ourselves and one another. Perhaps, all of this advice flies in the face of a value system constructed for you decades ago, but I hope it empowers you to overcome that conditioning and do exactly what you said you wanted to do.
Look out for the girl who’s always had her wellness taken for granted. Put your needs first. Put your family first. And be the sister and daughter you were born to be.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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