I always envisioned myself being a tough-but-loving “old school” parent.
But now that I’m older — and wiser — I can look back and see how my parenting has evolved over the years. As I learned more about child development and psychology, I evolved from a more traditional approach to parenting to a gentler one. Now I wish I had been more gentle when my two oldest kids were younger.
Today, I’m doing what feels best to me. For example, I don’t actually need to punish my child for wasting their entire allowance on an item. The natural consequence is that they don’t have spending money for the rest of that month until it’s allowance time again.
Allowing my kids to learn from their decisions and experiences is something I now value, and it has become a significant part of how I parent my four children: two teenagers, an almost-teen, and a 9-year-old.
There are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting
Let me be clear, gentle parenting does not mean that kids are spoiled and have no consequences, as I once thought.
Gentle parenting is primarily about supporting kids through their challenges, allowing natural consequences, and being a source of guidance rather than fear. Who wouldn’t want that?
We want our kids to develop coping skills
My husband and I were both raised in homes that practiced the old-school style of parenting. When our oldest two children were young, we continued what we knew as parenting, leaning on “my way or the highway” and “because I said so” approaches.
No one in my circles had really heard of gentle parenting when my now-teens were young. We began to shift from old school parenting to what’s known in the adoption community as connective and trauma-informed parenting when our second child was a toddler, and our oldest was about 4. Since none of our children are biologically ours, all adopted at birth, we learned that many adoptees are born with trauma due to separation from their biological parents. We also learned the idea that connecting with kids, that is, building a strong relationship with them that’s based on trust and choice, before offering any correction, whether that be natural consequences or verbal guidance, could be highly effective.
The idea is that fear-based parenting doesn’t foster a strong parent-child relationship and maintains a dynamic where children only take action out of fear of punishment, which may include the parent’s anger expressed through silent treatment, yelling, or harsh criticism. This only works for so long because kids get older, bigger, stronger, and have more freedoms. This thinking resonated with us.
My husband and I want our kids to develop skills, such as empathy and emotional maturity. To do so, I know they need amazing role models. They also need the freedom to make mistakes while among safe people in safe environments.
My husband and I put in the work
I believe that when parents take the time to work on themselves, the relationship we have with our children can flourish rather than be built on an unhealthy power dynamic that eventually crumbles. Understanding this has improved my relationship with my kids.
Reflecting on our own upbringing can be challenging and, frankly, emotionally draining work, but I have found myself reflecting with empathy. Our parents did the best they could with the resources available to them at the time. Some experts at the time recommended spanking as an effective form of discipline. We know better now, so, as Maya Angelou once put it, we have chosen to do better.
I also had to overcome the misconception that gentle parenting is permissive parenting. When some dedicated, old-school parents learn that we prioritize connective (or gentle) parenting, they believe that more traditional parenting prepares a child for the real world, requires them to be respectful, and toughens kids up. However, I argue that a gentler, more intentional parenting style raises empathetic, open-minded, problem-solving, and secure children who respect their parents rather than always fearing what their mom or dad will think or how they will react.
My kids are benefiting from how we parent
Anyone who knows our children sees them for who they are: kind, respectful, inclusive, and willing to use their voices and actions to help others. They have been parented in a way that shows them we value their voice, we respect their point of view, and we see ourselves as guides and encouragers in their lives, also advocating when needed.
Gentle doesn’t mean passive or permissive. I am still the parent, and my kids are still children for whom I am responsible. However, they are given options, encouraged to problem-solve, and do have consequences for poor choices. They do “know their place,” just not in the old school way, but rather, from a place of knowing we always have their back.
I truly believe gentle parenting is changing how kids who are now teens and young adults see themselves and the world. They are able to walk in confidence, knowing they are loved and supported, and they have built the skills they need to tackle challenges.
When they do mess up, they can always tell their parents and count on them not to say something along the lines of, “I told you so.” Rather, they’re met with open arms. That’s true respect, and that’s what I’m aiming for in my family.
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