As my kids got older, they became aware that other adults in their lives drink, and I don’t. Instead of sweeping this difference under the table, I take every opportunity to emphasize my sobriety.
Alcohol used to be a big part of my plans whenever I got together with friends. However, I gradually became tired of feeling out of control and hungover.
At various points, I stopped drinking and always felt clearer-headed and present. I realized that I didn’t need alcohol to have fun. Eventually, I gave up drinking altogether and never looked back.
Now that my kids are teens, I try to teach them to avoid alcohol, too, but I’m not sure it’s working.
I model the behavior I want to see in my teens
Most of my friends drink, and going out with them usually involves alcohol. When I go to a bar with my friends, I don’t hide it from my teens. I don’t want to miss out on social events because I’m sober. Similarly, I don’t want my teens to feel like they need to skip going out with friends because their friends will be drinking.
On a recent trip without my kids, I stayed out all night dancing. Although my clubbing days are behind me, I told my teens how much fun I had bar hopping, having different mocktails and soda combinations at each stop.
Once, I told my teens, “I’m still a lot of fun even though I don’t drink.” A friend who was standing nearby with a drink in her hand responded, “Can confirm.” My teens rolled their eyes.
Nevertheless, I hope they got the message that you don’t need to have alcohol to have fun, even if everyone around you is drinking.
I’m open about the mistakes I made with alcohol
My kids know that, at times, I drank heavily and needed to rely on others to get me home safely.
I’m open that I did things I’m not proud of while drunk, including drinking to the point of making myself sick and wasting days being hungover. They also know that I have the luxury of having been a teen in a time when social media did not exist, so there is no permanent record of my misspent youth.
I want my teens to know that I am not perfect and made plenty of mistakes when I was their age. I also want them to understand that I want better for them, especially at a time when any misstep is likely to be recorded and shared.
I don’t know if my message is being heard, but by being vulnerable and honest, I hope they will take my concerns about alcohol seriously. I also hope that, if they do drink too much on occasion, they know that it doesn’t have to define them and that they can scale back at any time.
I initiate conversations, but they usually aren’t receptive
When my kids were little, they seemed open to discussing peer pressure and how to face it head-on. We role-played numerous scenarios and how to handle them, from friends who might pressure them to shoplift to being offered drugs or alcohol.
Now that they are teens, and the reality of being pressured to drink is much higher, they tend to storm out of the room whenever I raise the subject. Although I regularly annoy my teens by trying to discuss my own sobriety and my hope that they don’t drink much, if at all, they know the door is open. I also hope that the lessons they learned when they were younger stuck.
I was once a teenager who didn’t listen to my parents’ advice. I don’t expect my teens to listen to everything I say, either. I regularly let my teens know that if they ever need to be picked up for any reason, I will do so without hesitation. I guarantee that I will not ask questions, including whether they are too drunk to make it home themselves or feel uncomfortable in any situation because they are intoxicated.
Although my teens know that I prefer they don’t drink, they are naturally curious and may feel invincible. This arrangement helps keep them safe in case I can’t get through to them.
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