At first, my husband cringed at the idea of a “daddy doll.”
“A pillow with my face on it? That’s pretty weird,” he said. “Do you really think she needs that?”
After one of his pre-deployment training trips, however, it became clear that we needed some tools to help my eldest daughter, who is almost 3, cope with the challenges of military life.
My husband is an integral part of our family’s daily routines.
When he’s home, he typically wakes the kids up in the morning, feeds them breakfast, and takes them to day care. In the evening, we have dinner together and then often “divide and conquer” for bedtime, with my husband taking on the toddler duties while I take care of the infant.
This dynamic has served our family well and has allowed my daughters and husband to form a special bond. Unfortunately, though, it creates a void when he leaves, and my attention is split in two.
We’ve found coping strategies in his absence
Enter the daddy doll, or the “dada pillow” as my toddler calls it — the newest staple in our household.
When my husband is gone for months at a time with limited communication, the dada pillow serves as a huggable reminder of his role in our home. It joins us for meals, playtime, and nightly snuggles.
It doesn’t solve all of our problems, but the daddy doll has definitely taken some of the sting out of my husband’s absence. It’s a way for my kids to include him in our day-to-day activities, making him feel closer to us.
We also purchased a customizable Tonie for our Toniebox and loaded recordings of my husband singing songs and reading books onto it. My daughter loves listening while she colors and does crafts. I have a few videos of him on my phone and iPad, too, that we all love watching when we miss him the most.
Deployments have always been hard, but I couldn’t have anticipated how much more difficult it would be to navigate these transitions with my kids.
In addition to the physical tools (we also read deployment picture books and use a visual calendar that counts down the days to his return), the following realizations have allowed me to better handle the uncertainties of deployment:
Prepare for increased tantrums and choose your battles wisely
Recently, my eldest threw a fit because I wouldn’t let her hold the big bag of Cheetos.
I’ve learned that often, these explosive emotions arise due to a desire for control in a very unpredictable situation.
My daughter is too young to understand why her dad left and how long he will be gone. All she knows is that he was present every day, and suddenly, he isn’t.
So, understandably, she wants to control as much as she can in this highly sensitive state, which means more meltdowns.
I tend to loosen the reins and give in to smaller arguments just to keep the peace in our home until we settle into a new rhythm without Dad.
Expect setbacks
We attempted to potty train my daughter before my husband deployed, but with him being in and out of the house so much, that proved impossible.
The inconsistency in our home environment made it difficult to integrate new skills. Again, my daughter sought control and stability, leading to my next tip.
Keep routines as consistent as possible
When Dad is gone, we still do all of the things that he and my toddler did together—even the most insignificant things, like letting her “help” feed the dog in the morning.
These tiny rituals give her a sense of predictability and groundedness. I’ve also found that keeping the weekly schedule consistent and avoiding trips in the first weeks of deployment helps.
Give extra cuddles and one-on-one time when you can
As a mom of two little ones and a third on the way, I know how difficult it can be to carve out one-on-one time.
However, since my eldest daughter is accustomed to more individual attention from her dad, I’ve found that even just a few extra minutes of cuddling together at night helps regulate her nervous system and keeps the big emotions at bay.
Overall, I try to have more patience and compassion for myself and my kids when my husband is gone. We’re all going through this thing together, which is easy to forget during those intense moments when everyone is screaming and needing something.
On days when I’m feeling extra discouraged and depleted, I sneak a hug from the dada pillow and remind myself that we’re all doing our best.
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