My husband and I got married last June in a simple ceremony at New York City Hall. A week after our wedding, he went back to his home in London, and I stayed in mine in New York.
We’d been together for five years when we got married, during which time we always lived on opposite sides of the Atlantic.
We recently moved in together only after we’d been married for seven months, but having that literal space in our long-distance relationship was something that really worked for both of us.
I’d been commitment-phobic most of my adult life
I’d almost gotten married in my early 20s, calling off the wedding just a month before the big day. Canceling a fully-planned wedding is difficult enough, but the experience of breaking up with someone I had thought I’d spend my life with was traumatic, and left me with serious commitment issues.
In the following years, I still longed for partnership, but it became evident that I had a commitment phobia when every relationship I got into ended up tanking pretty quickly. I often chased unavailable men who wouldn’t commit, subconsciously sparing myself from having to make an actual commitment myself.
Being long-distance with someone allowed me the space I needed for intimacy to develop
I first met my now-husband when he came to New York for work, about seven years after I’d called off my wedding. He was only in town for a week, but we developed feelings for each other.
Our relationship didn’t begin in earnest until some years later when I went to visit him in London, though we kept in touch sporadically via email. Various complications kept us from trying sooner, but I think subconsciously we were waiting to be truly ready for each other.
After we decided to be in a long-distance relationship, the idea of living together, or even being on the same continent, wasn’t part of the conversation for many years.
People talk about needing space in a relationship, but this kind of literal space allowed both of us to ease into the idea of partnership. We supported each other emotionally, video chatting at least twice a day and checking in regularly via text. My flexible freelance schedule, which also involved some European travel, allowed us to see each other at least every other month for most of the next five years.
This space also meant that we didn’t have to adjust our schedules or priorities right away. We were free to keep doing our own things, albeit with love and encouragement from the other person, gradually easing into the idea of lifelong partnership.
The honeymoon phase lasts a really long time when you can’t see each other frequently
When we could see each other, it always felt special, and airport reunions became a cherished part of the relationship ritual. We’d usually spend about a week together, sometimes two, whenever one of us could make the trip across the sea. We both loved London and New York, and were always eager to take the other person to our favorite places. Sometimes we’d meet in Ireland, where he’s from, or Michigan, where my family lives. The honeymoon phase of our relationship went on this way for years. I’d even go so far as to say we’re still in it.
Because of the five-hour time difference, we developed a sweet ritual of sending each other love letters every day. I’d write mine before I went to bed in New York so he’d receive it when he awoke in London, and he’d write his to me after he got up, before the sun would rise on my side of the Atlantic. It’s a powerful practice to intentionally lift your partner up this way, every day, letting them know how much you admire them and how important they are to you, and to receive that kind of affirmation in return.
The challenges were mostly logistical
Like any relationship, there were challenges, but ours were mostly logistical. It can be heartbreaking when you feel like you really need the other person, and they’re not physically there, or may be asleep in a different time zone.
I was lucky that work travel brought me to Europe several times a year, but that wasn’t always the case, and buying regular international flights was expensive for both of us. When we did visit with each other, one of us would likely be in work mode while the other was in vacation mode. Because of the expense of our circumstances, neither of us could afford to just take a week off to be together. Not to mention, a pandemic prevented us from seeing each other for a full year.
We got through all of this, though, and rarely had emotional conflicts or experienced jealousy. I think that’s part of what made us both realize that we had developed true intimacy.
Living together has been wonderful
Having a long-distance relationship for as long as we did melted away the anxieties I once had about commitment. Living together was a surprisingly easy transition, and it still feels really special to see each other daily.
Long-distance relationships may not be for everybody, but they can be a positive experience for two people who want to make it work.
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