After high school, my oldest child moved away to attend a four-year university. It was hard to help him move out of our house and into a dorm, and I definitely worried about him from afar. But it was easy to know where the boundaries were when he wasn’t living at home.
He’s responsible for his own laundry. I have no idea if — or when — he oversleeps, pulls an all-nighter, or misses a class. I don’t know his grades or even what specific classes he’s taking. I don’t know if he’s eating enough vegetables. If he goes out at night while he’s at school, I don’t know where he’s going or when he’ll be back.
On the other hand, when my daughter graduated from high school, she continued living at home. She took a year to work and then began attending our local community college. I like having her home because it’s the right choice for her, but it has created some blurred lines.
It’s hard to know what boundaries to keep with my young adult daughter, as she lives under the same roof. I’m trying to figure out how much I should still be involved as she becomes an independent adult.
I’m not always sure how much I should step in
With our oldest off at college, my husband and I have tried to transition from being in charge of his life to being available for advice and encouragement while he makes his own decisions as a young adult.
But I see my daughter every day. Somehow, because we’re all under one roof, it’s harder to make that transition with her.
I know when she goes out at night. She usually texts before she drives home, especially if it’s late. I know if she’s eating balanced meals. I know many things about her that I don’t know about her older brother. I just don’t know what to do with that information.
Plus, I’m an early riser. I’m up before everyone else in the house. If I noticed that my husband or younger kids didn’t get up on time, I’d check to ensure they hadn’t overslept. Since that’s rare, I don’t see that as coddling. I see that as being kind and loving. We all make mistakes or need help occasionally.
So, if I’m awake and notice that my daughter hasn’t gotten up when she normally does for school, do I wake her up? I want her to take responsibility for herself. So I’m unsure if I’m being nice and doing her the same favor I would do anyone else — or if I’m not treating her as an adult who needs to be accountable for her actions.
Also, my home office is near our washer and dryer. If I frequently pop a load of her laundry in because I’m right there, is that a sweet gesture that lets her know I care? Or will it be why she won’t ever move out on her own, because I’m spoiling her?
To be clear, she doesn’t expect these gestures from me. She’d never get angry at me if I didn’t do her laundry, or if I didn’t wake her up when she overslept. But I’m still not sure if I should do them.
Some of my parenting habits are hard to break
I’ve been a parent for 22 years now. I still have a child in high school and one in junior high, so I have to switch back and forth between treating some of my children as adults and some as young teens who need more help.
All of my kids have criticized me at one point or another for treating them as younger or less mature than they are.
I think most parents go through this. Sometimes it feels like I went from constantly watching over four small children to granting them independence almost overnight. I’m sure growing up felt like a long time for them. But for me, it was fast, and I don’t always remember how well they can take care of themselves.
We’re learning to navigate this together
I’m very proud of my daughter for deciding which path is right for her. She’s earning money, and she’s saving on tuition by going to a community college.
Meanwhile, navigating adulthood while we’re under the same roof isn’t always easy for us.
But we’re both growing as we adapt to this new stage of life together.
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