- My parents were incredibly involved in my childhood and made sure I had endless opportunities.
- I’m 27 years old and constantly fight with my parents about my decisions.
- I feel cognitive dissonance when making choices my parents don’t agree with.
I’m the youngest child of two, so it’s not shocking that I’m the “rebel” between my sister and me, and I definitely drive my parents crazy because of it.
Despite currently living on the other side of the world (a choice they weren’t thrilled to hear about), I still find myself bickering with them over every single decision I make — living location, my relationship, career choices, and more.
It’s created a lot of strain on our relationship, especially in adulthood.
My parents did everything right
My parents were incredibly involved as a child, providing me with opportunities that other children never experienced. For example, when my school’s mathematics curriculum changed in a way my parents believed would slow the class’s progress, they transferred me to a new school to ensure I remained challenged.
During the summers, they found ways to enroll me in programs offered in the neighboring town that weren’t available in my own town. This allowed me to sign up for tennis camp, take cooking classes, and become a level-five swimmer — opportunities my classmates didn’t have.
In high school, they fought tirelessly at every school board meeting to save the Mandarin course I took from getting cut due to budget constraints. Thanks to their relentlessness, I went on to minor in Mandarin in college, and I’m currently spending a year working from my company’s office in China.
These are just a few examples of the many times my parents showed they were overqualified for the parenting role.
My parents blame themselves when I make decisions they oppose
To quote my mother from our most recent kerfuffle: “I didn’t fulfill my motherly duties.” This isn’t the first time I’ve heard my mother say something along these lines, but it’s yet another instance where I wholeheartedly disagree with her.
While my mom and dad will always be my parents, I’m not turning to them to pick me up from soccer practice, help me read over my essays, or pay my cell phone bills. In my late 20s, I just want to know I can go to them for sound advice when I ask for it and that they’ll always be in my corner.
I want a closer relationship with my parents
It’s challenging to hear that my parents disagree with my choices. While they’re only trying to help, our disagreements result in a constant feeling of cognitive dissonance, and instead of consulting my parents about big decisions, I tell them about things after decisions have already been made — such as sky diving, moving to Philadelphia, or taking a trip a self-guided trip to Egypt.
Over time, this reluctance to share decisions I know they’ll criticize has caused me to subconsciously stop sharing updates altogether. For instance, I didn’t tell them when I got promoted — a moment I would normally want to celebrate with my parents. Avoiding conversations about choices they might disapprove of made me overlook sharing news of which they’d be proud. I was mortified when my dad mentioned he learned of my promotion via LinkedIn.
The last thing I want is a strained relationship with my parents. I hope they’ll eventually see that, while I may never think like them or share all their perspectives, I’m more than capable of making thoughtful, sound judgments and navigating life’s challenges — skills they’ve spent my entire life teaching me. I don’t expect them to agree with me all the time, but it would help if they showed trust in my decision-making by leading with a supportive attitude and offering their concerns as suggestions to consider rather than implying my choices are misguided or need to be corrected. Constantly feeling at odds is exhausting.
I know my parents love me deeply and only want to protect me from potential mistakes, but I wish they could see that their job now that I’m an adult, isn’t to shield me, it’s to trust the person they’ve raised. My choices aren’t a rejection of my parents’ values; they demonstrate the independence and confidence my parents have instilled in me. I don’t want my parents to feel worry or guilt; I want them to be proud that I’m creating a life that reflects what they’ve taught me and who I’ve become. More than anything, I want our relationship to grow stronger, built on mutual respect, trust, and the understanding that even if our paths differ, their guidance has always been — and will always be — my foundation.
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